http://stevenallenstories.blog.co.uk/Well, I can't tell you how annoyed I wasen-EUMokoFeed10http://stevenallenstories.blog.co.uk/http://data5.blog.de/design/preview/12/215d1a65268cd4284d080070a99c1d_160x200.jpghttp://stevenallenstories.blog.co.uk/2009/11/06/an-odd-one-7321386/tag:stevenallenstories.blog.co.uk,2009-11-06:/2009/11/06/an-odd-one-7321386/Fri, 06 Nov 2009 18:16:34 +0100 <p>Been a fairly quiet week this one, but I have to say that it has zipped past at a fair old rate of knots. No reason, it just has. On Monday, Tuesday & Wednesday I broke my current duck on exercise (haven’t done any since getting back from Crete) and did about an hour and a half per day on the cycle machine. Here are the films I whiled away the time with whilst peddling away:</p> <p>Monday - Rogue. A nice little film about a killer crocodile that attacks a group of, quite innocent, people on a tour of the river.<br> Tuesday - Pontypool. A pile of steaming shit that has somehow got a 7/10 rating on IMDB. I had to go on there and give it 1/10 as I just couldn’t bloody well believe it. The film is about people getting a virus as the English language has been infected with it. Absolute clap trap.<br> Wednesday - Deadline. I quietly liked this. Just a lowish budget film about a woman who stays in a house haunted by a murdered woman. Charming.</p> <p>I've been watching a few horrors at the moment, the best I've seen of late are Orphan and Paranormal Activities. The later was superb until the ending which let it down a bit. Anyway, I had an idea for a film, which I will run past you now:</p> <p>It's set in the future to start, ideally in space I think. A bunch of characters have come up with a time machine type contraption and to test it out they get a load of convicts (some of these could be alien types like Chewbacca & Mac from "Mac & Me") to test it out on. So, they set the machine to go back to present day England, but something goes wrong with the experiment & the test subjects are caught up between dimensions. Oh yeah, it's pretty serious. They end up in dimensions at present day England (they nearly made it) & are close enough to touch but you never can. The problem is, you see, that they are not in the four dimensions we live in (not including time). </p> <p>The film then focuses on psychic types who say they can communicate with the dead and such bunkum, who (for the purposes of the film) discover they can talk to the people trapped in the other dimensions. Obliviously there is nothing they can do to bring them back other than try to communicate with them. Therefore the trapped people get mad and do the equivalent of poltergeist activity on the psychics. Basically I want a sci-fi film which turns into a horror film with the explanation for the haunting being people trapped in another dimension, who’ve gone mad.</p> <p>Let me know what you think? </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://stevenallenstories.blog.co.uk/2009/11/06/an-odd-one-7321386/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>filmhttp://stevenallenstories.blog.co.uk/2009/11/06/an-odd-one-7321386/#commentshttp://stevenallenstories.blog.co.uk/2009/10/30/well-that-was-a-wasted-trip-7274566/tag:stevenallenstories.blog.co.uk,2009-10-30:/2009/10/30/well-that-was-a-wasted-trip-7274566/Fri, 30 Oct 2009 12:02:51 +0100 <p>Went to Ikea on Wednesday night because on their website they said they had this mini chest of draws, 25cm high, in stock. You see, they don’t do a delivery service for this product for some unknown reason, very unhelpful and more than a tad unreasonable considering. So, the website said they had 9 in stock in various formats, some with more drawers than others but all variations weighing in at 25 cm high. After quite a bit of wondering around trying to find this item, called Fira, I realized my efforts were not yielding the desired results so I went and asked an employee of Ikea. They told me it was out of stock and would be for at least a month. Oh fuck.</p> <p>Tash asked me what I wanted to do and I rather foolishly said "we're here now, we may as well walk round their stupid one way syatem", or words to that effect. Well, by the end of the "marketplace" I was at the end of my tether with the hell hole, I just wanted to leave and catch what little of the football was left for me on the TV. Unfortunately the bastards at Ikea Croydon have latched on a horrific feature to the warehouse called the bargain basement, or something like this. Of course we had to have a look around the bargain basement and see what shit they were peddling.</p> <p>Everything in this crappy section is covered in grubby marks, and frayed, and they still want to charge £200 for a smudged up version of this:</p> <p><img src="http://data6.blog.de/media/926/4056926_4d6f37c169_m.jpg" alt="Tash was obsessed with this fucking furnishing"></p> <p>For some reason Tash became obsessed with this awful seat. She kept sitting on it saying it could be used as a bed. I was then left to point out that she was sitting on a filthy bit of tat and no-one in their right mind would even consider it as a bed. It really is a nasty little trap to set right at the very end of the store, just a nasty little leaving present from the bastards of Ikea as you think you're home free.</p> <p>Half way home I asked Tash if she wanted to go back to Ikea as I'd changed my mind about the bit of tat pictured above. To my astonishment she was actually up for doing this and I was left to say that I was actually joking. I mean, it wouldn't even fit in any of the rooms in our house, and that's just for starters.</p> <p> <small> <a href="http://stevenallenstories.blog.co.uk/2009/10/30/well-that-was-a-wasted-trip-7274566/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>http://stevenallenstories.blog.co.uk/2009/10/30/well-that-was-a-wasted-trip-7274566/#commentshttp://stevenallenstories.blog.co.uk/2009/10/28/shoe-across-the-floor-7262070/tag:stevenallenstories.blog.co.uk,2009-10-28:/2009/10/28/shoe-across-the-floor-7262070/Wed, 28 Oct 2009 15:54:07 +0100 <p>My cough has nearly gone now, I just need to clear some catarrh from my chest intermittently now. I found these nifty little blighters called Catarrh Pastels which I've been woofing down, they're bloody lovely and work a veritable treat. Now for the science, the active ingredients are Eucalyptus Oil, Menthol and Pumilio Pine Oil. Having read a few reviews of these so called pastels on the information superhighway it would appear that most find the taste & smell of them a tad abhorrent; I disagree strongly and will probably carry on sucking them down once I have dislodged the last of my catarrh. They are delicious.</p> <p>Having had this rather unpleasant coughy cold thing for the past week got me wondering. Should I spit or swallow all this catarrh and phlegm I'm generating? Having looked on the internet it would appear there is no right or wrong answer to this. If you swallow the mucus is simply broken down by the gut, and expelling via sputum clears the airways just as effectively. The common parlance seems to be to spit when in private and swallow down the catarrh when on public view. I have to say I tend to employ a combination of spitting and swallowing. However I do make a special effort to spit when I can feel a particularly rich and viscous gob full of the stuff.</p> <p>Now, onto more pleasant matters. On Friday I purchased myself a Hitachi ultra flat screen 32 incher from Richer Sounds. £250, which is a bloody bargain even if I do say so myself. It's gone straight into the spare room and no mistake and is due to be fixed to the wall with the TV bracket that was delivered today. The first film I watched on it was Surrogates, which I thought was rather good, followed by The Tournament which I also found to be more than acceptable. Any film starring a drunken priest is usually alright by me. Well, to be honest I'm very happy with the way things are shaping up in the hot room.</p> <p>Got some more pictures from the holiday to Crete. These have been extracted from the mobile phone cameras of Tash & I. One is of a salad monster they created in the canteen, at first I thought this might be some sort of delicious desert but as I edged closer I realized what it was. Immediately a sense of horror over came me. I had to reach over the bastard to get some butter and it made me feel sick. Now, what else have we got? Oh yes there is Thomas, of course. We met him on the first night of the holiday, drinking in his bar we were, mmmm. He was an Eric Cantona doppelganger and kept putting his collar up. I also met another strange fellow in Thomas's bar who followed me to the Booze Bar, I befriended him by complaining about the Turkish occupation of Cyprus. He liked this. The picture of Tash in those odd glasses is also from this same night out. Incidentally we spent over half of the money we took with us on this evening; 120 Euros for a night out when we've gone all-inclusive, a little bit silly considering.</p> <p><a href="javascript:window.open(" title="Tash in Random Glasses"><img src="http://data6.blog.de/media/998/4050998_37d593ac57_t.jpg" alt="Tash in Random Glasses"></a><a href="javascript:window.open(" title="Thomas (Eric Cantona)"><img src="http://data6.blog.de/media/999/4050999_5e516197dd_t.jpg" alt="Thomas (Eric Cantona)"></a><a href="javascript:window.open(" title="All the Germans Dancing @ Greek Night"><img src="http://data6.blog.de/media/000/4051000_48f5ee4099_t.jpg" alt="All the Germans Dancing @ Greek Night"></a><a href="javascript:window.open(" title="Blue Sky"><img src="http://data6.blog.de/media/001/4051001_4401ed05b0_t.jpg" alt="Blue Sky"></a><a href="javascript:window.open(" title="Coffee Machine in Crete"><img src="http://data6.blog.de/media/002/4051002_0dcd7cd1b1_t.jpg" alt="Coffee Machine in Crete"></a><a href="javascript:window.open(" title="Golfland"><img src="http://data6.blog.de/media/003/4051003_b65e16d5b8_t.jpg" alt="Golfland"></a><a href="javascript:window.open(" title="Salad Monster"><img src="http://data6.blog.de/media/004/4051004_9c59571395_t.jpg" alt="Salad Monster"></a><a href="javascript:window.open(" title="All Inclusive Beer Menu"><img src="http://data6.blog.de/media/005/4051005_be19bc0134_t.jpg" alt="All Inclusive Beer Menu"></a></p> <p>I did not try beer with cola, however nice it sounds. Here's a free lesson. Just a couple of pictures of my origami efforts, my pencils, the Bugle crisps and Nice Day House in Cyprus: </p> <p><a href="javascript:window.open(" title="Me Boxes"><img src="http://data6.blog.de/media/010/4051010_7f67658dcb_t.jpg" alt="Me Boxes"></a><a href="javascript:window.open(" title="Oragami Unit"><img src="http://data6.blog.de/media/011/4051011_37401dde29_t.jpg" alt="Oragami Unit"></a><a href="javascript:window.open(" title="The Pencil Family"><img src="http://data6.blog.de/media/012/4051012_e0833fef9f_t.jpg" alt="The Pencil Family"></a><a href="javascript:window.open(" title="My Favorite Crisps in Europe"><img src="http://data6.blog.de/media/013/4051013_adb5c32f36_t.jpg" alt="My Favorite Crisps in Europe"></a><a href="javascript:window.open(" title="Nice Day House in Cyprus"><img src="http://data6.blog.de/media/014/4051014_de47c6e9a1_t.jpg" alt="Nice Day House in Cyprus"></a></p> <p>This is Dolly Shoehorn. I drew her last week:</p> <p><a href="javascript:window.open(" title="DOLLY"><img src="http://data6.blog.de/media/016/4051016_761facba51_m.jpg" alt="DOLLY"></a></p> <p>I feel cheated when I buy a bottle of Rinena undiluted cordial and it is in a plastic bottle. At those sort of premium prices I expect Glass.</p> <p> <small> <a href="http://stevenallenstories.blog.co.uk/2009/10/28/shoe-across-the-floor-7262070/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>catarrhholidayhttp://stevenallenstories.blog.co.uk/2009/10/28/shoe-across-the-floor-7262070/#commentshttp://stevenallenstories.blog.co.uk/2009/10/22/the-hotel-aphrodite-beach-club-7223375/tag:stevenallenstories.blog.co.uk,2009-10-22:/2009/10/22/the-hotel-aphrodite-beach-club-7223375/Thu, 22 Oct 2009 15:46:44 +0200 <p>No posts last week as I was away on my holidays. Went to Crete for a week and it was very nice indeed, thank you very much. The flight back, however, was quite horrible and it took my right ear 79 hours to pop, I had proper plane ear. Just under three and a half days with a load of pressure swilling around in my middle ear deafening me.... very uncomfortable. Eventually I expelled the pressure on Tuesday lunchtime after shaking my head from side to side and then doing this weird swaying thing with my head. I found by doing this I could feel the pressure swilling about in my ear, and for some reason I felt that it helped. During the final swaying session I felt the pressure shift and so I pinched my nose and blew hard for a bit. Then, the magical moment arrived and I felt this long painful crackling ooze out of my right ear. The feeling of being able to hear finally after 3 days of nonsense was really quite elating. I was also getting a little bit worried I might have to go to the doctor to get it sorted. </p> <p>Never fly with a cold, this is truly the moral here. For, you see, I entered onto the flight home in a bit of a state. It all started on Thursday. There I was lying on the sun louger by the swim up bar supping on a Tequila Sunrise at 11am. I knocked out several of these Tequila cocktails in such a fashion before going to sit at the bar in the afternoon and going quite mad on the brandy and cokes. I stayed there until they closed the bar and was forced to seek residence at the main bar where the hotel is. There I continued to consume the brandy and coke until dinner time, where I had a short break from drinking and had a nice plate of pasta covered in grated parmesan. Nice and plain, just the way I like it. After dinner I went straight back to the bar and progressed onto Ouzo.</p> <p>It was quite the gathering of the English at the bar. You see, the small amount of English people who were there tended to stick together as there were so many Germans about. Here's who was there:</p> <p>Ian & Alan (A father & son combo from Liverpool, they were Evertonians and we got on fine)<br> Jim & Betty (From Bolton, Jim looked like Ron Atkinson)<br> Dave & Amy (Not sure where from but it was the north; another couple in their 50's)<br> Chris & Dee (Can't remember where from, but slightly more southern, Dee had been to Bluewater)<br> John & Ann (These were Welsh, I spoke to John about horse racing)<br> Benson & Alison (Mad Geordies, I knocked over Benson's drink and was asked to keep away from him)</p> <p>It got to midnight and I insisted to Tash that we went into the town (just a short walk outside the complex). I don't remember any of this, but Tash tells me that:</p> <p>1. I went into the Booze Bar and disappeared for a bit<br> 2. At the Anfield Bar I asked for any drink with whisky in it and then hardly drank any of the Whisky cocktail I was given</p> <p>In the morning (Friday) I felt rather like I had contracted a cold, or Pub Flu as they call it up north. I had a nasty cough as well, which I can still feel the residue of. We had to check out so were forced to pack and this was a pain on top of actually having to get out of bed. After checking out we went to a bar and had an English breakfast which was quite nice. Then we went to the beach and I enjoyed just lying there in the sun and I also went in the sea at least 4 times. The following chain of events took place:</p> <p>1. We went to a restaurant and I had an omelette, about 3pm<br> 2. After this went back to the beach<br> 3. We went back to the hotel and Tash had a shower and changed<br> 4. We went for a walk down the seafront<br> 5. During the walk I had a few pints which was probably a bad idea<br> 6. I went into a bar to use the toilet as I was so desperate I was shaking<br> 7. We walked back to the hotel and sat on the sofa</p> <p>Now, our coach transfer to the airport wasn't until 3am. So, there we are absolutely cream crackered just sprawled on the sofa in reception trying to go to sleep at 10.30pm. I honestly didn't know how on earth we were going to pass the time. First off the coach, but then the flight wasn’t until 5.50am! Then, the manager came over to us and said he had a room we could take until 3am for 15 Euros, well we bit his hand of. He obviously didn't want us cluttering up the reception area, the little scamp. So, I managed to get an hour or twos sleep and also have a shower before 3am when we had to go and wait for the bus.</p> <p>So, you can see how such a process can result in such a terrible flight for me as an individual. I did not enjoy this and certainly will think twice before taking a flight at that time in the morning from a foreign country again.</p> <p>I have focused on my negative experience somewhat, but this only really was the last day and the journey home which doesn't really count. The rest of it was topper. It was much hotter than I expected for October around 25 degrees I think, which is more than acceptable to lie out in the sun all day. I elected factor 4, but Tash got a bit burnt one day using this tactic. For anyone who likes a drink the All-Inclusive is a real treat. You can sit around the pool drinking merrily away in the day and then go for a rest for a couple of hours before dinner and then get back on it in the evening. I started off on the beer but quickly migrated to cocktails, which were jolly nice indeed dear boy.</p> <p>On one of the days I'd had my boxers and shorts on to play a bit of tennis, and after the game couldn't be arsed to go to the room and change so just went in the pool in the boxers and shorts. Clearly they got wet and so in the evening I put the said articles of clothing over the railing on the balcony. The next day there was a hell of a wind blowing in off the sea and my boxers and shorts had been blown off. My shorts were nowhere to be seen but my boxers were in view atop the roof of the hotel. I decided that there was no way I was ever going to get them back so took a photo for posterities sake (see below), I dare say they are still there now. A little gift from me to the Hotel Aphrodite Beach Club.</p> <p><a href="javascript:window.open(" title="A nice beach we found"><img src="http://data6.blog.de/media/960/4029960_ada7d78e38_t.jpg" alt="A nice beach we found"></a><a href="javascript:window.open(" title="A special shop"><img src="http://data6.blog.de/media/962/4029962_78bec20847_t.jpg" alt="A special shop"></a><a href="javascript:window.open(" title="Booze Bar 1"><img src="http://data6.blog.de/media/963/4029963_904793d234_t.jpg" alt="Booze Bar 1"></a><a href="javascript:window.open(" title="Booze Bar 2"><img src="http://data6.blog.de/media/964/4029964_be5efbffc3_t.jpg" alt="Booze Bar 2"></a><a href="javascript:window.open(" title="Booze Bar 3"><img src="http://data6.blog.de/media/965/4029965_e4a7ac7739_t.jpg" alt="Booze Bar 3"></a><a href="javascript:window.open(" title="Front of the swim up bar"><img src="http://data6.blog.de/media/966/4029966_08be5beee8_t.jpg" alt="Front of the swim up bar"></a><a href="javascript:window.open(" title="My boxers fell off the balcony 1"><img src="http://data6.blog.de/media/967/4029967_9f92db834c_t.jpg" alt="My boxers fell off the balcony 1"></a><a href="javascript:window.open(" title="My boxers fell off the balcony 2"><img src="http://data6.blog.de/media/968/4029968_41f7267e8b_t.jpg" alt="My boxers fell off the balcony 2"></a><a href="javascript:window.open(" title="My boxers fell off the balcony 3"><img src="http://data6.blog.de/media/969/4029969_43f79fe225_t.jpg" alt="My boxers fell off the balcony 3"></a><a href="javascript:window.open(" title="Reception Area"><img src="http://data6.blog.de/media/979/4029979_894999e638_t.jpg" alt="Reception Area"></a><a href="javascript:window.open(" title="Sailing cafe please"><img src="http://data6.blog.de/media/980/4029980_72a21e1b39_t.jpg" alt="Sailing cafe please"></a><a href="javascript:window.open(" title="Sign posts"><img src="http://data6.blog.de/media/981/4029981_d21064f5da_t.jpg" alt="Sign posts"></a><a href="javascript:window.open(" title="Some random German people who came and stood near us"><img src="http://data6.blog.de/media/982/4029982_85f6d82cf8_t.jpg" alt="Some random German people who came and stood near us"></a><a href="javascript:window.open(" title="Sunset at the beach front & a nice plane"><img src="http://data6.blog.de/media/983/4029983_b6c7b82588_t.jpg" alt="Sunset at the beach front & a nice plane"></a><a href="javascript:window.open(" title="Sunset on the Balcony"><img src="http://data6.blog.de/media/984/4029984_b50e458d1a_t.jpg" alt="Sunset on the Balcony"></a><a href="javascript:window.open(" title="Swim up bar"><img src="http://data6.blog.de/media/985/4029985_44abf3e909_t.jpg" alt="Swim up bar"></a><a href="javascript:window.open(" title="Tash + Mousaka + Greek Salad = Bad Stomy"><img src="http://data6.blog.de/media/986/4029986_571972533e_t.jpg" alt="Tash + Mousaka + Greek Salad = Bad Stomy"></a><a href="javascript:window.open(" title="Tash at the kid\"><img src="http://data6.blog.de/media/987/4029987_e197fc7178_t.jpg" alt="Tash at the kid\"></a><a href="javascript:window.open(" title="The feet picture"><img src="http://data6.blog.de/media/988/4029988_f5830a888f_t.jpg" alt="The feet picture"></a><a href="javascript:window.open(" title="THE grapes"><img src="http://data6.blog.de/media/993/4029993_6519a26f1e_t.jpg" alt="THE grapes"></a><a href="javascript:window.open(" title="The main pool"><img src="http://data6.blog.de/media/994/4029994_200eacbcdb_t.jpg" alt="The main pool"></a><a href="javascript:window.open(" title="The Shop"><img src="http://data6.blog.de/media/995/4029995_4b08ce5de5_t.jpg" alt="The Shop"></a><a href="javascript:window.open(" title="The towels on the sun loungers (german man sitting in picture was later befriended by Tash)"><img src="http://data6.blog.de/media/996/4029996_2d930b7b7c_t.jpg" alt="The towels on the sun loungers (german man sitting in picture was later befriended by Tash)"></a><a href="javascript:window.open(" title="Zorbas"><img src="http://data6.blog.de/media/997/4029997_e4b8dea025_t.jpg" alt="Zorbas"></a> </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://stevenallenstories.blog.co.uk/2009/10/22/the-hotel-aphrodite-beach-club-7223375/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>holidayhttp://stevenallenstories.blog.co.uk/2009/10/22/the-hotel-aphrodite-beach-club-7223375/#commentshttp://stevenallenstories.blog.co.uk/2009/10/08/a-right-royal-patch-of-purple-7125210/tag:stevenallenstories.blog.co.uk,2009-10-08:/2009/10/08/a-right-royal-patch-of-purple-7125210/Thu, 08 Oct 2009 15:28:28 +0200 <p>This morning I weighed in on the Wii Fit pre toilet session and noted the result, I was a non mover at 27.29 BMI. I then went to the loo and did a poo. Another weigh in ensued and I noted the result was 27.17 BMI. This means that my poo weighed slightly under half a kilo, or 0.91 pounds. That's nearly half a bag of sugar ladies & gents. An interesting little experiment, I'm sure you'll agree.</p> <p>The below is a list of text messages I have sent to my brother over the past two days, I still await a reply:</p> <p>"Andy Hamilton, Henry VIII lookalike"<br> "Creme de la darting, creme of Ireland"<br> "Rip roaring honky tonk fun & games"<br> "Barney's losing it again"<br> "The Pieman Andy Smith"<br> "The Pieman made it trough"<br> "Jockey Wilson cup on 5th December. Just a heads up"<br> "The Pieman is through, I can't believe it"<br> "Well, the Pieman made it through last night. Good on him"<br> "Beware the judder man my dear"<br> "The Pieman made it through, it's all fun & games"<br> "PIEMAN"</p> <p> <small> <a href="http://stevenallenstories.blog.co.uk/2009/10/08/a-right-royal-patch-of-purple-7125210/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>dartswiihttp://stevenallenstories.blog.co.uk/2009/10/08/a-right-royal-patch-of-purple-7125210/#commentshttp://stevenallenstories.blog.co.uk/2009/10/07/rip-roaring-honky-tonk-fun-games-7118314/tag:stevenallenstories.blog.co.uk,2009-10-07:/2009/10/07/rip-roaring-honky-tonk-fun-games-7118314/Wed, 07 Oct 2009 16:34:48 +0200 <p>Went & got my haircut yesterday lunchtime. I'm slightly concerned as Yousef wasn't around and there were three employees there, the ratio of people to Yousef was all wrong. There was also a fellow who appeared from round the back and he looked like he could well be hanging about in some managerial capacity; I just got that impression from the fellow. This has concerned me, and if this is true I will hunt down Yousef and make him cut my hair. Until I know more I shall not change my routine. I like it the way it is.</p> <p>I got some new speakers this morning, they are JBL Control 1 by brand. I bought them on eBay, on Sunday, for a total of £42, which was a bit of a bargain I say. They are very small but pack a punch, which is exactly what I need. Now, previous to today I had been using a pair of floor standing TDL Studio 5 speakers which I have had up for sale on Friday-Ad for the past few weeks. On Monday evening, rather conveniently, I received a call from a buyer inquiring about the speakers. Oh, this is very timely. He wanted to come over right away and pick them up.</p> <p>I gave him my details and incorrectly told him I was the first house on the right, I do not know why I did this. Then, about an hour later he rang again and he was wondering around on the other side of the road looking for me, oops. Oh well, served him right for driving a smart car, the fool! He offered me £35 cash, and I accepted. Whilst waiting for him to come & collect I watched the football on ESPN. It was Villa versus Man City and as I watched I packaged a book in manila envelopes. It was Villa Vs Man City with me and my manila.</p> <p>You see, I have put loads of books up for sale on Amazon and Green Metropolis, and have consequently been generating quite the hotbed of sales (it's a veritable gold mine, if you will). What I was packaging was an old text book on Statistics and it had sold at a profit of £11.89 (after Amazon took their little wedge). One of the nice things is that I don't have to pay for postage as I can just chuck it in the post at work. My current system is to wrap the book in manila and then reinforce the corners with parcel tape (today I used duct tape as I have run out of parcel), I then put this reinforced bundle in another manila envelope. This I neatly seal and address. The final package is then transported to the cubby hole at work, where I make my deposit and walk off as if nothing has happened.</p> <p> <small> <a href="http://stevenallenstories.blog.co.uk/2009/10/07/rip-roaring-honky-tonk-fun-games-7118314/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>http://stevenallenstories.blog.co.uk/2009/10/07/rip-roaring-honky-tonk-fun-games-7118314/#commentshttp://stevenallenstories.blog.co.uk/2009/10/06/the-black-goat-7111766/tag:stevenallenstories.blog.co.uk,2009-10-06:/2009/10/06/the-black-goat-7111766/Tue, 06 Oct 2009 17:32:05 +0200 <p>It was an interesting weekend, I made £2.65 total on the nags. This was on three horses, the names of which were: Applause, Pipedreamer & Kirby's Vic. It would have been better but I bet on some right rotters as well, so at the end of the day when I made my final withdrawal to my checking account I was a mere £2.65 to the good. Still, this does signify the end of a horrible losing streak on the nags so I am pleased with the overall outcome.</p> <p>On Friday night I had a real rip roaring weights session whilst I watched a film called "Drag me to Hell", which was just splendid. It's a film about this bank clerk who refuses to give a gypsy a loan. This then prompts the gypsy to put the curse of the black goat on the lady’s coat button, prompting all manner of nasty business. I really enjoyed it and hope you will too. After encouraging lactic acid into my system I had a nice bath and then did something I have been enjoying very much. I had a Mario Kart session and consumed wine. Oh shit, so sorry I forgot, I watched Derren Brown and Peep Show before Mario came to the party.</p> <p>Saturday was something of a write off and I spent a large proportion of the day ensuring a deficit of calories was a certain non starter. If memory serves I had the following: 6 chicken McNuggets & chips, 2 plates of cheesy chips, a curry and half a pizza. It is, apparently, a fact that you only ever discover cheesy chips if you go to university and the amount of life experience you have can be garnered from knowledge of the cheesy chip phenomenon. Ging says he first heard about cheesy chips when he was in the sixth form as they did them in the kebab shop next door to (the then) Curry Katyre. I personally discovered them at Reading University student's union. They used to bloody love them down there.</p> <p>Anyway I went to Ging's house for a bit on Saturday evening and found that he has a game called "Demolition Man" on this Super Nintendo emulator he has on his computer. I was very pleased when we put it on and it was, as I had suspected, a computer game of the film. Result! I got past the first level but then it got a bit difficult and I had to go home to get the internet working for Tash, so I left. Simple as that really, no conspiracy here.</p> <p>On Sunday I went to Crawley as Tash insisted that we go shopping. I have to highlight one particular word of caution to people. Please do not go in a shop called "Primark", it is the Devil's shop. Full of these gannets rushing round the aisles, it is really bad. They have the typical rotating displays of clothes that create a kind of maze like quality within the shop, and to make it worse some of these display racks have mirrors on top of them. This makes it very confusing if you are scanning the shop trying to find someone, very much impossible actually. Plus, most of the clothes have been taken off their hangers and just disguarded. This gives the whole place the feel of a jumble sale. It is just the pits, please do not go there. It's like a down graded TK Max, as if that isn't bad enough.</p> <p>Anyway, the best on Sunday was that we had a Wimpy. Bloody lovely it was, Tash & I both had sausage, egg and chips and a Wimpy coffee. Bliss! It made the whole Crawley experience at least that little bit more tolerable. </p> <p>We got in from Crawlers about 4.15pm and I sat and watched the football whilst I scoffed a pepperoni pizza. Then, later, I had a marathon 2 hour exercise bike session, 44km total. I didn't finish until 10.20pm and to settle down a bit I had a deep bath and relaxed. Despite this I still couldn't get to sleep until about 1.30am, which caused me to be rather tired yesterday.</p> <p> <small> <a href="http://stevenallenstories.blog.co.uk/2009/10/06/the-black-goat-7111766/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>exerciseweekendfilmhttp://stevenallenstories.blog.co.uk/2009/10/06/the-black-goat-7111766/#commentshttp://stevenallenstories.blog.co.uk/2009/10/02/rampant-cycling-anyone-7085710/tag:stevenallenstories.blog.co.uk,2009-10-02:/2009/10/02/rampant-cycling-anyone-7085710/Fri, 02 Oct 2009 16:54:16 +0200 <p>I had a rampant cycle for an hour yesterday whilst watching the new Star Trek film. It's actually not bad, and I say that as a man who thinks Star Trek is utter tripe. I attribute the film being alright to the fact that is directed by J.J. Abrahams, who is a wizard behind a camera. You may have heard of him from Lost, Fringe or Alias, all of which I thoroughly enjoy with aplomb. Après cycle I had a bath and, as per usual, had an earful of Talksport on the charming little DAB radio I have positioned on the porcelain cistern cover (or the lid on the back of the toilet box, between you and me).</p> <p>Once out of the bath I had a bloody good rub down and applied E45 sparingly to my face. Then I put on some red tartan PJ bottoms and went about my business. This business was to give the computer a dam fine hovering in order to remove dust from the various assorted bits that were causing it to be very loud when on. It had, quite honestly, become far too intrusive a noise for me to take any more of and I simply had to take measures. I turned the computer off, unplugged all the peripheries and transported the pay load down to the bottom of the stairs. It was then that the vacuum was plugged in and I was able to focus all of the sucky power of the nozzle directly onto, and inside, the apparatus. I paid particular attention to the areas housing the fan which had become encrusted with dusty detritus. </p> <p>Once fully sated with the job I packed away the vacuum, put the workstation back together and located back to the spare room. The peripheries were reintroduced to the system and the power was switched on with an air of anticipation. Ah, my jobby had worked, the computer was whirring away (once more) at a more than acceptable level of noise pollution. This was a job well done, to be sure. To celebrate such a magnificent achievement I had a couple of glasses of wine, played a bit of darts, checked on a couple of ebay sales and had a few games of Mario Kart online.</p> <p>Bed was taken at 12.10am and I was asleep fairly rapidly for I was quite tired, you see. </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://stevenallenstories.blog.co.uk/2009/10/02/rampant-cycling-anyone-7085710/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>bathfilmhttp://stevenallenstories.blog.co.uk/2009/10/02/rampant-cycling-anyone-7085710/#commentshttp://stevenallenstories.blog.co.uk/2009/10/01/i-was-told-7077924/tag:stevenallenstories.blog.co.uk,2009-10-01:/2009/10/01/i-was-told-7077924/Thu, 01 Oct 2009 15:25:54 +0200 <p>I've had a good couple of days, made myself £30 into the bargain to boot. First off I got a tenner on Tuesday for my correct postulation that Arsenal & Barcelona would both win, and yesterday I made a further twenty pound sterling when Man U, Chelsea, real Madrid & Bordeaux all won. It was all too easy. After witnessing all my results come in yesterday I had a bottle of rose wine and played a bit of Mario Kart. As a result of consuming the wine (I believe this is what caused it) I woke up with a knee jerk reaction at 6.25am precisely. It was really odd, I was bolt upright in bed before I knew it. I went straight to the toilet and had a sitting piss for a good minute. I must have really needed that. Then I went back to bed; I did toy with the idea of staying up and doing some morning exercise but I was asleep before I knew it.</p> <p>It was a busy hour for me this luncheon. I went home and had some scramby eggs on toast, bloody lovely even if I do say so myself. There is just no getting away from that fact that my scramby eggs are superior. I then jumped in the motor and went to Reigate, coasting where ever possible. There was quite a lot of traffic at the one way system, which irritated me greatly. I think this is somewhat attributed to the fact that this morning the traffic into work was appalling and meeting yet more traffic, on this very same day, had an accumulating effect on my irritancy. I eventually got parked at Morry car park and got my letter posted and cheque cashed.</p> <p>Now for the interesting part. On my way out of the car park a BMW 4x4 just stopped slap bang in the middle of the road, I think they must have been picking or dropping someone off. I waited a number of seconds before shouting out "come on" at the top of my voice. A middle aged woman then took the time to exit the BMW from the passenger side, look at me, and say "don't shout". You see, I had all my windows down and I expect my hollering had reverberated round the car park and right into their earshot. Well, I was most pleased that I had clearly got to this silly cow. It did irk me somewhat, however, that instead of just getting on with it, as instructed by my call, she instead took extra time to leave her car and tell me not to shout. I guess no-one really won that war.</p> <p>Here, I give you, <a href="http://www.amazon.co.uk/Simpsons-Homer-Mens-Novelty-Slippers/dp/B001I9EI0A/ref=cm_cr-mr-title">my Amazon review of the Homers</a>:</p> <p><a href="javascript:window.open(" title="Homers"><img src="http://data6.blog.de/media/012/3955012_ddeba9b186_m.jpg" alt="Homers"></a> </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://stevenallenstories.blog.co.uk/2009/10/01/i-was-told-7077924/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>luncheonhomer-simpson-slipershttp://stevenallenstories.blog.co.uk/2009/10/01/i-was-told-7077924/#commentshttp://stevenallenstories.blog.co.uk/2009/09/29/coaxing-toast-unfurling-ham-7063458/tag:stevenallenstories.blog.co.uk,2009-09-29:/2009/09/29/coaxing-toast-unfurling-ham-7063458/Tue, 29 Sep 2009 17:02:45 +0200 <p>I sweat it out a treat last night after work. Started off by doing some weights whilst I finished watching "Book of Blood", which was very silly. Then I sat on the exercise bike and peddled furiously for a period of 1 hour 20 mins. During this time I watched a film which sounds really good, but didn't really deliver the goods. It was called "The Killing Room", about this room that a secret American government organization uses to conduct experiments to see how far they can push the human mind. It wasn't really that good because not a lot happens in it and the experiments are not that interesting. Oh well, there are always other films.</p> <p>In order to sweat it out good and proper I had all the doors and windows shut and I refused (point blank) to use the fan. It was a terrific struggle to make it through and I was drenched after my session, so I had a nice deep bath to induce a sleepy mood before I went to bed. For, you see, it was 9.05pm by the time I'd done my stretch on the bike. This morning when I got up I was slightly groggy, but now I'm as chipper as can be. It really has done me the world of good I tell you.</p> <p>For lunch today I had a can of tinned spaghetti bolognaise, it was horrible. The beef in it was like cardboard. I ate it anyway, but I will not be buying this product again. No sir. To put a bit of a positive spin on the experience I have fed myself for 70p, which is bloody good I say.</p> <p>This afternoon I rang up O2 because, to be quite honest, I am fed up of my phone bill. I told them I could get unlimited texts from Virgin for a ten and the nice chap on the other end of the line offered me the following:<br> A 24 month contract<br> £15 for unlimited texts & 100 mins per month<br> £150 credit to get me started (that's the first 10 months free).<br> Well, I chomped his hand off. This is going to cost me a mere £8.75 a month over the two years and I can text like sliced bread has just been invented.</p> <p> <small> <a href="http://stevenallenstories.blog.co.uk/2009/09/29/coaxing-toast-unfurling-ham-7063458/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>filmbathhttp://stevenallenstories.blog.co.uk/2009/09/29/coaxing-toast-unfurling-ham-7063458/#commentshttp://stevenallenstories.blog.co.uk/2009/09/28/yes-justice-is-served-on-a-cold-plate-7056137/tag:stevenallenstories.blog.co.uk,2009-09-28:/2009/09/28/yes-justice-is-served-on-a-cold-plate-7056137/Mon, 28 Sep 2009 17:20:12 +0200 <p>The title of this posting is something I shouted out whilst punching a cushion on the sofa; I'd been playing Mario Kart online and had just won a race. This was on Friday during a bit of a Mario Kart session, Nick came over and after watching Peep Show Mario Kart was played online until 2.30am before I retired to my bed.</p> <p>On Saturday I initially woke up around 9.30am, as Tash woke me when she got up. I was determined to go back to sleep though; so I listened to a bit of an album called "Sleepwalk" by "Matrix", that is until the CD started skipping. I then shoved on "Moving Shadow 02.1" and drifted off. It was around mid day when I woke up again and I got up and had a bowl of All Bran and a cup of coffee, whilst watching the Carling Cup draw on Sky Sports News. Then, I thought I'd better do some exercise so I went upstairs and got out the exercise bike.</p> <p>Whilst cycling I watched a film called "Push" which I quite liked, and what's more I did over 25km in the first hour of cycling, which (between you & I) is quite something. This helped me sweat out the beer I had whilst playing Mario Kart on the Friday. I then had a shower and a shave, before setting off downstairs and making myself some macaroni cheese. I discovered these Tesco Value macaroni cheese things a few weeks ago, they're 75p & take 15 mins to cook in the oven. I can really recommend them, bloody bargain and bloody nice. I haven't looked back since discovering them, and that's the truth.</p> <p>After woofing down my macaroni I simply pottered about for a bit, you know, flicking through TV channels and that sort of thing. Come circa 5 o'clock I did a bit of a weight lifting session whilst watching this film called "Book of Blood", or something like that. I'm about 45 mins in thus far and there was one bit that really made me jump. I then had a bath, a bath and a shower in the same day... Unprecedented. Whilst in the bath I listened to a bit of Talksport on DAB and just had a bloody good soak, you see.</p> <p>Pretty much straight after my bath I went to Reigate & had a Pizza Express & then went to some public houses of the area. This was in Honor of one "Benjamin Measures", who’s birthday it was. He likes to be called "Ging" & owns an electrically charged tennis racquet. He actually lives in rather close proximity to me & I do have the ability to shine my high powered torch into his house at night. Also, I have witnessed him on many occasions doing the washing up when I am in my garden. Once, when he was in his garden, I launched a handful of compressed mud his way from where I stood in my garden. This hit his shed, making quite a thud, and I observed him about turn and survey the area. I, of course, was hidden down behind the fence, laughing away to myself. Got him again!</p> <p>Well, we all had quite a bit to drink on the night, and we even went to Horley for a pint or two. Suffice to say that yesterday was not the jolliest day for my system. Tash & I had a curry, made from a ready meal & supplemented this with £12.60 worth of peripheries from the local curry takeaway. This included 10 popadoms and I ate them in what I call a "popadom frenzy" whilst watching Forest give Plymouth a good, and sound, one nil beating. Then Tash & I watched "United 93", which I thought was very good. I then watched the cricket and went to bed around midnight. It's been a bit of a struggle today but I'll feel better later on after I have "sweat it out" on the exercise bike, which I shall be doing when I get home from work. </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://stevenallenstories.blog.co.uk/2009/09/28/yes-justice-is-served-on-a-cold-plate-7056137/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>dabmusicbathcurrywiiweekendhttp://stevenallenstories.blog.co.uk/2009/09/28/yes-justice-is-served-on-a-cold-plate-7056137/#commentshttp://stevenallenstories.blog.co.uk/2009/09/25/weighing-chips-7038837/tag:stevenallenstories.blog.co.uk,2009-09-25:/2009/09/25/weighing-chips-7038837/Fri, 25 Sep 2009 15:33:54 +0200 <p>Here we have some random photos that I've taken whilst out and about on my travels. A couple have slipped in from my homestead, but don't you worry about that. Some were taken on my camera phone, which is sadly no longer with us. It was a white clam shell type communicado device which did serve me will until it malfunctioned. What happened was this: the screen in the flip top segment of the cellular stopped displaying images. I therefore bent it completely round destroying it permanently. I now sport one of the slide phones and find it equally good. Please…</p> <p><a href="javascript:window.open(" title="Urinals @ Brno Airport"><img src="http://data6.blog.de/media/093/3935093_8fc1193528_t.jpg" alt="Urinals @ Brno Airport"></a><a href="javascript:window.open(" title="Krakow Pizza Menu @ Krakow"><img src="http://data6.blog.de/media/094/3935094_1ddd213f6e_t.jpg" alt="Krakow Pizza Menu @ Krakow"></a><a href="javascript:window.open(" title="At the Pool @ Meynes (France)"><img src="http://data6.blog.de/media/095/3935095_8115ef0706_t.jpg" alt="At the Pool @ Meynes (France)"></a><a href="javascript:window.open(" title="Carrefour @ Beaucaire (France)"><img src="http://data6.blog.de/media/096/3935096_827d750a04_t.jpg" alt="Carrefour @ Beaucaire (France)"></a><a href="javascript:window.open(" title="Church @ Krakow"><img src="http://data6.blog.de/media/097/3935097_70db9b520e_t.jpg" alt="Church @ Krakow"></a><a href="javascript:window.open(" title="Enormous Babybel @ Meynes (France)"><img src="http://data6.blog.de/media/098/3935098_7982d790e4_t.jpg" alt="Enormous Babybel @ Meynes (France)"></a><a href="javascript:window.open(" title="Hot Chocolate @ My Workstation"><img src="http://data6.blog.de/media/099/3935099_713ad33326_t.jpg" alt="Hot Chocolate @ My Workstation"></a><a href="javascript:window.open(" title="Toilet @ Brno Airport"><img src="http://data6.blog.de/media/102/3935102_acc222424a_t.jpg" alt="Toilet @ Brno Airport"></a><a href="javascript:window.open(" title="Mamouth Skeleton @ Meynes"><img src="http://data6.blog.de/media/103/3935103_9e284f4dd7_t.jpg" alt="Mamouth Skeleton @ Meynes"></a><a href="javascript:window.open(" title="Adam Birt @ Redhill Belfrey"><img src="http://data6.blog.de/media/128/3935128_cd33641c8e_t.jpg" alt="Adam Birt @ Redhill Belfrey"></a><a href="javascript:window.open(" title="A Dart in the Door @ My House"><img src="http://data6.blog.de/media/129/3935129_dc66834efb_t.jpg" alt="A Dart in the Door @ My House"></a><a href="javascript:window.open(" title="Inbetween the Fence & the Shed @ The Bottom of the Garden"><img src="http://data6.blog.de/media/131/3935131_6d64afa4b4_t.jpg" alt="Inbetween the Fence & the Shed @ The Bottom of the Garden"></a></p> <p>Just incase you're interested, Brno Airport in in the Czech Republic. </p> <p>Cheerio. </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://stevenallenstories.blog.co.uk/2009/09/25/weighing-chips-7038837/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>picturehttp://stevenallenstories.blog.co.uk/2009/09/25/weighing-chips-7038837/#commentshttp://stevenallenstories.blog.co.uk/2009/09/25/ching-cherry-7037487/tag:stevenallenstories.blog.co.uk,2009-09-25:/2009/09/25/ching-cherry-7037487/Fri, 25 Sep 2009 11:28:48 +0200 <p>Great news one and all, I'm going on holiday in two weeks. All-inclusive to Crete for a week. This will be my third holiday this year, a personal best, no less. I've never been all-inclusive before so this will be a new experience for me, this place we're going to has a bar in the pool which you just swim up to and, basically, your uncle's name is Bob. Sounds bloody brilliant to me.</p> <p>So, yesterday, after booking the holiday we went to Tesco. Did a bit of a serious shop, our total spend was about £130, but the wine rack is now burgeoning and we'll hopefully have enough food to last us until we go on holiday. Then it's only one week when we get back from Crete until pay day. Oh yeah, it's all been planned out. </p> <p>There are these effervescent multivitamins I like to buy from Tescos, I really do. I saw them yesterday and they had been reduced from £0.98 to a snicket at £0.24 a pop. This is them:</p> <p><a href="javascript:window.open(" title="gold sun fun"><img src="http://data6.blog.de/media/427/3934427_dd08d8768c_m.jpg" alt="gold sun fun"></a></p> <p>Now, to complicate matters Tesco were also running a buy 3 vitamin products and get the cheapest free; and I had opted into this little deal. Not wanting my £0.24 effervescent to interfere with this I put them through separately at the till. The till operative ran my effervescents through and it came to £4.44, over what I was expecting to pay, but without really thinking about it I pulled out a Jacks Alive and handed it over. I was then duly handed my £0.56 change and receipt, which I immediately scanned for errors. Sure enough the silly old fish wife had managed to put through 6 plain croissants at a hefty £0.50 each peach plum pear! Well, I can't tell you how annoyed I was.</p> <p><a href="javascript:window.open(" title="joy of plenty"><img src="http://data6.blog.de/media/428/3934428_00068b7c09_m.jpg" alt="joy of plenty"></a></p> <p>I told the till operative and was told, in words not dissimilar to these, "there's nothing I can do about that now, you'll have to get a refund at customer services". How rude, I thought, and off I went to the customer services stop. I gave the lady there my receipt and started to explain what exactly happen to me, when this rather scum like rag tag of a woman waiting at the cigarette kiosk piped up. "If your working the tills then you should come and serve me, I was here first" she barked at the customer services executive. "Sorry mate, but I was here first", she croaked at me. Oh fucking great, I thought, what a charmer.</p> <p>The customer services lady served her the fags, 20 Benson's it looked like, whilst listening to the woman complain about waiting at the ciggie kiosk. Then another customer came and stood at the ciggie kiosk and she blurted out "I wouldn't wait there, mate, you'll never get served". To compound matters the poor customer services executive had to log into the till and it was taking a while. Please refund me, that's all I could think.</p> <p>Well, my turn came and I started again. I passed over my receipt and explained my situation, the woman looked a little shell shocked from her previous encounter and she got my refund from the till and handed me a Rocket and an Alan (that's a fiver and a pound between you and I). I couldn't believe my luck. All I can think is that she saw that 6 croissants had been put through and had just got £6 out because of that. I took my winnings and made a quick exit, I had to get out as soon as possible before she could realize her error and make a recall. It was just the best. </p> <p>In effect, you see, Tesco paid me £1.56 to take 6 effervescent vitamin tubes off their hands. They paid me.</p> <p><a href="javascript:window.open(" title="edmundo"><img src="http://data6.blog.de/media/430/3934430_0e89f06ddb_m.jpg" alt="edmundo"></a></p> <p>Edmund Honda</p> <p> <small> <a href="http://stevenallenstories.blog.co.uk/2009/09/25/ching-cherry-7037487/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>purchasehttp://stevenallenstories.blog.co.uk/2009/09/25/ching-cherry-7037487/#commentshttp://stevenallenstories.blog.co.uk/2009/09/23/my-weird-two-cents-worth-7025186/tag:stevenallenstories.blog.co.uk,2009-09-23:/2009/09/23/my-weird-two-cents-worth-7025186/Wed, 23 Sep 2009 15:29:59 +0200 <p>Most of the time when I make a coffee I usually put the granules into a cup which I have already poured my desired amount of milk into. I find this helps make the coffee creamier when the finished article is unveiled. After pouring in the water and stirring I often find that a few stubborn granules take longer to dissolve than their counterparts, and rise to the surface of the coffee. I call these semi dissolved granules "guano". After some stirring they disappear and I am left to enjoy my coffee in peace.</p> <p>Presently I am having a Twix and a cup of coffee. A twix without coffee is like horse racing without the horses. </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://stevenallenstories.blog.co.uk/2009/09/23/my-weird-two-cents-worth-7025186/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>coffeehttp://stevenallenstories.blog.co.uk/2009/09/23/my-weird-two-cents-worth-7025186/#commentshttp://stevenallenstories.blog.co.uk/2009/09/22/coasting-update-7017533/tag:stevenallenstories.blog.co.uk,2009-09-22:/2009/09/22/coasting-update-7017533/Tue, 22 Sep 2009 16:34:11 +0200 <p>I have recently discovered quite a splendid coasting opportunity on my route to work. It allows me to coast 0.8 miles, and I have annotated the exact length of this coast in red marker on the below map.</p> <p><a href="javascript:window.open(" title="Coasting point eight of a mile"><img src="http://data5.blog.de/media/935/3924935_edccc5ca66_m.jpg" alt="Coasting point eight of a mile"></a></p> <p>It is quite a nice thing to do, actually, and what is more this coast saves me engaging the engine for a total of 1.6 miles daily. This is because I return home at 1.30pm, for a spot of luncheon, most days (just for an hour between you & me). Hence, doubling my trip. Working this number up we discover that I am saving myself a quite generous 8 miles a week via my coast. Something that shocks me, yet delights me, and causes me to feel fine. It is a good shock, a shock I can liken to landing a hefty gamble on the nags. </p> <p>Basically my method is very simple. I build up my velocity at a steady speed until I reach the brow of the hill, of Pendleton Road. I time my disengagement of the gearbox with the arrival of the hill brow, and also with a speed of anywhere between 50 and 60 mph. I then trundle along at maximum economy for 0.8 miles. I once only just topped 45 mph, causing me to reach a trough of only just 20mph for a time along my coast. This was not a problem, however, as the road was clear as a bell and I was therefore able to travel at such a sluggish speed without causing distraction to a fellow motorist. </p> <p>Sometimes fellow motorists can tamper with my coast. It is not their fault, I suppose. How are they to know they are messing with my miles per gallon? It still irritates the very living daylights out of me, though. The most common tampering other drivers cause is to drive their conveyance like a milk float. This means I have to engage the brakes & lose precious velocity. Another favorite is for some swine to be making a right turn and cause a jam. This can cause the unthinkable, if the piluk is a hesitant fool or the traffic coming the other way does not engrave an invitation to go, and cause me to grind to an economy shattering halt. This is the worst possible outcome.</p> <p>Finally, the below traces the route I took home on Saturday night when I was found, by the police, in my Homer Simpson slippers and sent on my way. It is a two mile walk, please study it carefully:</p> <p><a href="javascript:window.open(" title="Saturday\"><img src="http://data6.blog.de/media/939/3924939_1f0883b9c4_m.jpg" alt="Saturday\"></a> </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://stevenallenstories.blog.co.uk/2009/09/22/coasting-update-7017533/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>coastinghttp://stevenallenstories.blog.co.uk/2009/09/22/coasting-update-7017533/#commentshttp://stevenallenstories.blog.co.uk/2009/09/22/strange-thing-happened-this-morning-7014917/tag:stevenallenstories.blog.co.uk,2009-09-22:/2009/09/22/strange-thing-happened-this-morning-7014917/Tue, 22 Sep 2009 09:22:36 +0200 <p>I opened the freezer to get some ice cubes for my pint of water and discovered a roll of cling film in there.</p> <p>I needed the water as I got up at 7am and did an hour on the exercise bike with all the doors and windows closed. I had created a sweat room in which to, quite literally, sweat out all the toxins from the weekend. Also, I had spaghetti bolognaise last night and I wanted to sweat out any stray onion that may have sneaked into my system. I certainly couldn't taste any in the food, but you can not trust onion. It is evil and will try to weed its way into your digestive tract by any means.</p> <p>Therefore come 8am I was incredibly thirsty, & hot, & this is why I reach for the ice.</p> <p>Incidentally on Sunday, when I was severely hung over, I found just lying down with an ice cube held in my mouth to be very satisfying. It is cooling, refreshing & ultimately hydrating. I did watch a film whilst I lay with melting ice held in my gob. It was called "The Cell" & it starred Jennifer Lopez, it was not good.</p> <p>I asked Tash if she’d put the cling film in the fridge but she denied it, I must have done it. It was me, apparently, but I de ne recall not such an incident. Cling film, why you do this to me?</p> <p> <small> <a href="http://stevenallenstories.blog.co.uk/2009/09/22/strange-thing-happened-this-morning-7014917/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>morninghttp://stevenallenstories.blog.co.uk/2009/09/22/strange-thing-happened-this-morning-7014917/#commentshttp://stevenallenstories.blog.co.uk/2009/09/21/hello-officer-7011219/tag:stevenallenstories.blog.co.uk,2009-09-21:/2009/09/21/hello-officer-7011219/Mon, 21 Sep 2009 16:59:02 +0200 <p>Had an interesting day on Saturday. It started innocently enough with a nice two hour cycle on the exercise bike, I refused to get off the contraption until the little computer thing had clocked up over 1000 calories burnt. It was a point blank refusal and I wouldn't have it any other way. There was a brief moment of pain when I raised my rear off the seat having been sitting there for two hours. I don't understand why, but all you need to know is that I believe it is a combination of stiffness of the rear coupled with the pressure on my arse from sitting on a saddle for two hours. The pain is momentary and goes very soon; I find a nice thing to do afterwards is to have a nice soak in a piping hot bath. It's just something I like to do, it may not suit everyone but I love it.</p> <p>Whilst I cycled I did not simply stare nonchalantly into space, no. instead I watched a film, it was called Duplicity and I thought it was rather average. I wouldn't bother watching it again, it wasn't up to much. After my bath I had some cheese on toast and a cup of tea, oh yeah. Then I did something a little bit silly and placed a £50 wager on the Ayr Gold Cup; of course the horse came nowhere. This irked me and caused me to make a further decision which was a little bit silly, which was to drown my sorrows.</p> <p>White wine was the beverage I consumed. I started around 5pm. Tash's Dad came around for some pie and I supplemented my pie with some white wine. It was a steak and ale pie and it would have been perfect except for the smattering of onions that Tash insisted on spiking the pie with. Why do people feel the need to put onion on everything? I really find it incomprehensible. It's like mayonnaise in sandwiches, what if you don't like mayonnaise? I'll tell you what; you are victimized for finding something rightly disgusting. Tash wants to make some Ragoo later and she's going to have to sieve this Ragoo because, surprise surprise, the idiots have infested it with onion. I would really like it if onions were eradicated from production. An onion virus could romp through the agriculture and wipe out the horrid bulbish turnip imposters for good. That would be ideal.</p> <p>So, after Tash's Dad left I carried on with my wine consumption. To start with I was on my own as Tash went to bed & all I did was play Mario Kart whilst supping my wine and listening to music. I was getting quite irate because I kept getting done by homing blue shells in the finishing straight, it was so annoying and caused me to shout & curse at the console. I don't remember what time it was but Ben popped over later on in the evening. By this time it was going jolly well pear shaped and I don't recall much of what happened. There was definite playing of Bowie, this much I can tell you. After an hour or two we then made our way to Rob's house. </p> <p>The next memory I have is being in Lesborne Road in Reigate being interviewed by the police. I was not wearing shoes but instead was sporting my Homer Simpson slippers. From what I gather they had discovered me asleep on the corner and were trying to find out what I was playing at. Clearly coming around in such a situation is not ideal. I had to gather myself and evade the grasps of these police. There was one female and one male and I insisted that I was okay and all I wanted to do was walk home, I said I'd had a few drinks but I knew what I was doing now and reiterated my intention to walk home and stay out of trouble. They wanted my postcode and I think I may have started explaining my postcode and the exact address and which way I intended to walk home. Eventually they went and I walked back by running a bit and then walking a bit. It is quite a long way and I wasn't sure how I had come to be so far from home, especially in the Homers.</p> <p>Yesterday I woke up covered in bruises and with a quite terrible hangover. I managed to eat some carbonara for lunch but was then unable to eat again until 11.30pm at night, due to feeling like I was going to be sick. Incidentally, I should point out that Ben was discovered by his mother passed out on the toilet floor. He doesn't know how he got there. So anyway, at 11.30pm I had some chips, they were quite nice as it goes. I went to bed at 2am for some reason, which wasn't really a very good idea because I've been really tired today.</p> <p> <small> <a href="http://stevenallenstories.blog.co.uk/2009/09/21/hello-officer-7011219/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>weekendcatalogue-of-errorshttp://stevenallenstories.blog.co.uk/2009/09/21/hello-officer-7011219/#commentshttp://stevenallenstories.blog.co.uk/2009/09/18/my-fingers-hurt-6991208/tag:stevenallenstories.blog.co.uk,2009-09-18:/2009/09/18/my-fingers-hurt-6991208/Fri, 18 Sep 2009 15:40:30 +0200 <p>Oh well now your back's gonna hurt as well, because you just pulled landscaping duty.</p> <p>Smashed my hand against the kitchen sideboard yesterday. It well hurt, so much so that I thought I may have done some serious damage, but today I just have some rather delicate digits. This is because of two particularly vicious bruises that have reared up since the incident yesterday.</p> <p>I was in the kitchen, see, stabbing holes into the film lid of a macaroni cheese ready meal with a skewer, when this pesky and bothersome fly started buzzing around. I had noticed this fly previously when in the lounge and the fucker had followed me into my own kitchen. I was mad by this, and so I stopped my stabbing of the macaroni cheese to focus my attention on seeing off the fly once and for all. </p> <p>At the correct opportunity I swung my arm at the fly and delivered a high velocity back hander to the insect, knocking the bastard out. Unfortunately, however, the kitchen sideboard was too close and on my follow though I wrapped the backs of my middle finger & ring finger quite hard indeed. I recoiled almost instantly and started waving my hand about to try and shake off the injury. It bloody hurt a lot, I can tell you.</p> <p>The fly was out for the count on the kitchen floor, and I stamped on it many times. It was my final retribution for making me smack my own bloody hand about. I then put my macaroni cheese in the pre heated oven and went into the lounge.</p> <p> <small> <a href="http://stevenallenstories.blog.co.uk/2009/09/18/my-fingers-hurt-6991208/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>http://stevenallenstories.blog.co.uk/2009/09/18/my-fingers-hurt-6991208/#commentshttp://stevenallenstories.blog.co.uk/2009/09/17/steam-roller-through-that-pod-door-6982296/tag:stevenallenstories.blog.co.uk,2009-09-17:/2009/09/17/steam-roller-through-that-pod-door-6982296/Thu, 17 Sep 2009 09:56:03 +0200 <p>This morning on my drive into work I got stuck behind this moron who was refusing to take over a cyclist. He had plenty of time to take over this cyclist, but I can only reason that, because he wanted to turn left, he didn't think he would have enough time to do so. I, on the other hand, could clearly see that he had time in abundance to pull off such a maneuver. Then the cyclist stuck his arm out to indicate he was turning left as well, so I got myself over the other side of the road and proceeded to take over the dawdler. As I was over taking I glanced over to get a look at the numpty &, as chance would have it, he also looked over. So I gave a very disapproving shake of my head at him and went on my way. The best was when a little way down the road he beeped me, it must have taken a few seconds for my disapproving head shake to sink in & irritate him & he reacted with a beep of his hooter. As soon as I heard this I knew I had got to him and began to smile. Even typing this now, and recalling the incident, makes me laugh. </p> <p>This is the list of films that I've watched from 17th August to 16th September; a one one month slot for this little lot:</p> <p><a href="http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0409459/">The Watchmen</a><br> <a href="http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0448011/">Knowing</a><br> <a href="http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0458525/">X-Men Origins: Wolverine</a><br> <a href="http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1133991/">What Doesn't Kill You</a><br> <a href="http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0483796/">Moola</a><br> <a href="http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0477071/">Preminition</a><br> <a href="http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1119646/">The Hangover</a><br> <a href="http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1155056/">I love You, Man</a><br> <a href="http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0492044/">The Haunting In Connecticut</a><br> <a href="http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1226271/">The Damned United</a><br> <a href="http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1172570/">Bronson</a><br> <a href="http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0889583/">Bruno</a><br> <a href="http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0808151/">Angels & Demons</a><br> <a href="http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0844708/">The Last House on the Left</a><br> <a href="http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1226774/">In the Loop</a><br> <a href="http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0118971/">The Devil's Advocate</a><br> <a href="http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1097643/">Fifty Dead Men Walking</a><br> <a href="http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0462465/">Outlander</a><br> <a href="http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0887912/">The Hurt Locker</a><br> <a href="http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0438488/">Terminator Salvation</a><br> <a href="http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0815245/">The Uninvited</a><br> <a href="http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1136608/">District 9</a><br> <a href="http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1152836/">Public Enemies</a><br> <a href="http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0995039/">Ghost Town</a><br> <a href="http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0466943/">Randy & the Mob</a><br> <a href="http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0834001/">Underworld: Rise of the Lycans</a><br> <a href="http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1091722/">Adventureland</a> </p> <p>I think I can safely say that Bronson is easily the most psychotic film of the bunch. Of all of them Moola was the biggest struggle, just because it was so poor. On the other hand I thoroughly enjoyed District 9, probably the pick of the lot; followed by Bruno & Fifty Dead Men Walking. Randy & the Mob was a strange one, I nearly turned it off after the first half hour but then this really funny character came into it and I have to say I found it highly entertaining from there on in. The Devil's Advocate is the only one that I watched on TV, it was on BBC3 and I hadn't seen it for ages so gave it a viewing. Ghost Town was the only other film that I had seen before, but I hadn't seen it since viewing it in the cinema & wanted to watch it again. I think probably the most mental act contained in all of these films is to be found in the last scene of The Last House on the Left, where a live man's head in put in a microwave. Knowing was excellent until the ending, which was a bit daft, but it had a superb train crash, so it gets a let off for that. </p> <p>I should point out that the films are roughly listed in the order I watched them in, from the 17th August. Thus Adventureland was watched last night. I found this film to be a little soppy, I was expecting far more comedy, and I therefore say it was average. I won't be watching it again in a hurry, let's put it that way.</p> <p> <small> <a href="http://stevenallenstories.blog.co.uk/2009/09/17/steam-roller-through-that-pod-door-6982296/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>filmhttp://stevenallenstories.blog.co.uk/2009/09/17/steam-roller-through-that-pod-door-6982296/#commentshttp://stevenallenstories.blog.co.uk/2009/06/12/the-truth-behind-olivio-bertolli-6289046/tag:stevenallenstories.blog.co.uk,2009-06-12:/2009/06/12/the-truth-behind-olivio-bertolli-6289046/Fri, 12 Jun 2009 12:20:43 +0200 <p>Before you get ahead of yourself here I feel you should know all the facts surrounding Olive Oil infested spread. They are inferior products and simply must be dismissed out of hand. Olive oil infested spread was actually invented by mistake when a mad professor tainted his swafega. This happened when he dropped some olive oil by accident in his swafega bucket. It was then that he decided to cream this new concoction of his with cottage cheese to change the colour from flubber green to a light shade of yellowness. This new mulch was then tested in various applications. It was used to write with and also to power tractors, but in the end the mad man decided he would eat it. He thought it was alright and because bread in those days was often very poor quality he thought it may work to spread this "mulch" upon it. Thus Olive based spread was born and the mad man made it saleable by marketing it as a health product. One day the evil truth behind olive oil infested spread will out, much in the same way as it did with radioactivity. You do realise that they used to make toothpaste out of that stuff, don't you? </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://stevenallenstories.blog.co.uk/2009/06/12/the-truth-behind-olivio-bertolli-6289046/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>http://stevenallenstories.blog.co.uk/2009/06/12/the-truth-behind-olivio-bertolli-6289046/#commentshttp://stevenallenstories.blog.co.uk/2009/05/28/me-calc-6193180/tag:stevenallenstories.blog.co.uk,2009-05-28:/2009/05/28/me-calc-6193180/Thu, 28 May 2009 16:53:54 +0200 <p>I was united with my calculator back in the winter of 2002. It was given to me with an assortment of other stationary items to get me started on my first day. I also got some pens and a notepad, which was nice. Presently the calculator is the only survivor from this initial stationary bundle, and thus holds a special place in my heart. </p> <p>It hasn't been easy for the calculator. I've written on it, stuck stickers on it and have also damaged a hinge which allows the screen to sit at an incline. In order to repair the aforementioned hinge I've selotaped the body of a bulldog clip behind the screen which leaves the screen at a perma incline state. I like my workaround because it shows that I'm an innovative thinker; I also think it looks splendid.</p> <p>Amongst the daubing I have littered on the calculator are the following: a random pattern that I have drawn under the screen in pencil, some button border which I have drawn in black marker pen and just scribbles and stuff. On the facade of the calculator is a Granny Smith's sticker, and I have drawn a border round it with marker pen also- this looks quite good in my opinion.</p> <p>The back of the calculator is covered in stickers which were given to me by Big Jimmy G. You see, he sometimes brings in sandwiches and he uses the stickers to fasten the sandwich bags. The stickers all have writing upon them, thus I give you:</p> <p>"dotty"<br> "FACT: It takes light 8 minutes to get to the earth!"<br> "What is Woddy's favourite snack? Prickled Onions" (this sticker has a picture Woody the headgehog on it with a thought bubble saying "yum!")<br> "What is as big as Iggy, but weights nothing? His shadow!" (this sticker has a picture of Iggy the dinosaur on it, he is smiling and waving)<br> "ZOOM!"<br> "squiggle"<br> "Woody loves autumn" (sticker has a picture of Woody the headgehog rolling in the leaves)</p> <p>Now for the science. The calculator is primarily solar powered but has a battery back up, just incase. There are non-slip rubber pads on the underside to aid stabilization when hammering away at the buttons. One nice feature is the presence of a little stand which enables one to elevate the calculator in much the same way you would a keyboard. When coupled with the display tilt option this forms a powerful incline ability which makes the calculator second to none.</p> <p>I normally use the calculator to spot check VAT & discounts when doing termination quotes, but I also don't mind doing the odd bit of multiplication with the sturdy mother. Size wise it is a considerable bit of kit for a calc,13.6 cm wide and 19.9cm long; if I one were to throw it at a person I'd wager one could inflict a hefty bruise. Its size hasn't been a problem at all, in fact I find its bulkiness an attractive quality. There was a time when I acquired a smaller calculator and I just couldn't get on with it, within days I was back to at home on my big bit of kit. The smaller calculator was defaced with Tip-Ex and disguarded like a bit of old meat. I just couldn't stand to have it in my possession a moment longer.</p> <p>The calculator is a very good quality build and has been at home in a variety of different locations. A real plus when you've had as many desk moves as I have. I've kept it in my tray, middle and lower draws but never in the stationary draw- doesn’t fit due to its enormity. Well, relative enormity given its calculator counterparts. The build quality has come in very handy as it has survived a cornucopia of drops and punishments. </p> <p>Overall I give my calculator 10/10. It has personality and is a God send when called upon. A true British hero.</p> <p><img src="http://data5.blog.de/media/882/3545882_91bf847b79_m.gif" alt="Me Calc" vspace="5" hspace="5"> </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://stevenallenstories.blog.co.uk/2009/05/28/me-calc-6193180/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>http://stevenallenstories.blog.co.uk/2009/05/28/me-calc-6193180/#commentshttp://stevenallenstories.blog.co.uk/2009/05/22/a-tent-coil-teak-oil-6158457/tag:stevenallenstories.blog.co.uk,2009-05-22:/2009/05/22/a-tent-coil-teak-oil-6158457/Fri, 22 May 2009 16:50:52 +0200 <p>Rather a harrowing trip to Tesco last week. Three things went awry, always in threes; I just don't understand it. It all started so well with a bit of Tom Thievery. You see, I wanted some blank DVD's, but was not enamored with the idea of paying for said goods. So, I got a pack of 5 and put them in the "environmentally friendly" bags that we sometimes take along with us. We went through the checkout and back to the car all well and good. It wasn't until I arrived home and started unpacking that the three evils reared up like Mearkats on the lookout for predators.</p> <p>1. The blank DVD's were of the -R variety, I must have +R. I thus have 5 blank DVD's that are useless to me.<br> 2. The curry I had procured wasn't at all the Masala flavour that I crave so wantonly. I had mistakenly purchased the Jalfrezy variety, which I find onion filled and peppery to an unholy extreme. Such a rancid format of curry.<br> 3. Upon routine inspection of the receipt I discovered that the toe rags had charged me full whack for my pizzas, knowing full well (I'll wager) that they were clearly marked as half price in the aisles. </p> <p>I have kept the receipt and will be having words with the customer services executives next time I visit Tescos. This travesty reversed. Those scally's owe me £3.28. If I hadn't unwrapped the DVD's I'd be having them exchanged 'n' all, of course making up some soppy excuse for not having a receipt. I lost it, or even better: dropped it in a puddle. They'd have never suspected a thing.</p> <p> <small> <a href="http://stevenallenstories.blog.co.uk/2009/05/22/a-tent-coil-teak-oil-6158457/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>http://stevenallenstories.blog.co.uk/2009/05/22/a-tent-coil-teak-oil-6158457/#commentshttp://stevenallenstories.blog.co.uk/2009/05/08/i-ve-actually-worn-a-pyjama-top-into-work-before-nobody-noticed-6081970/tag:stevenallenstories.blog.co.uk,2009-05-08:/2009/05/08/i-ve-actually-worn-a-pyjama-top-into-work-before-nobody-noticed-6081970/Fri, 08 May 2009 15:50:54 +0200 <p>Breakfast this morning was nice, had two pieces of toast, two hash browns, two fried eggs and two sausages. The plate I ate off was placed on a tray, upon which were also two sachets of tomato ketchup. These ketchups were dispensed, onto a clearing I had made specifically for the ketchup, on the plate. I got the lift back to my desk as I'm not a fan of climbing two floors worth of stairs on a full stomach, it is unpleasant. </p> <p>I decided to have a cup of tea after breakfast, good. Might go to John's army surplus on the next bank holiday to try and get a hat like this one: </p> <p><img src="http://data5.blog.de/media/341/3487341_5644eb7fc2_m.jpg" alt="I want this hat" vspace="5" hspace="5"></p> <p>That’s 16 days time. By that time a lot of the seeds I planted in the garden yesterday should be germinating; got £10 worth of seeds for free yesterday from Hombase. I put them inside a pot and the woman at the till didn't notice them there when she was scanning my items. I kept my moth shut and made it off with free seed. </p> <p>When I realised what was happening I was jumping for joy inside. As I was paying I was hoping that I hadn't been rumbled on CCTV & was worried there would be some horrible old git waiting outside for me. I paid as quickly as I could and turned down the offer of assistance to help carry my wares to my car. </p> <p>I said thank you to the young check out girl with a glint in my eye and as felt as if I was walking on air as I made my way across the car park. My facial expression was one of wonderment and I hurriedly packed my new belongings into the car and then made off laughing to myself.</p> <p>Good game that Chelsea one in the week, wasn't it? Thought it was well funny when Ballack followed the ref & after the game when Didier went mad, the reaction was unprecedented. That ref was quite the berk. I think the result is immaterial in any case as Man U will beat Barcelona & they would have beaten Chelsea as well. </p> <p>It was great when Sky Sports aired Didier’s little outburst, even better when the fools repeated it after the ad break. Oh sorry, sorry- shut up it's good and it's 10pm at night, I allow it. </p> <p>The ref was terrible. I don't think they should have had a player sent off and Chelsea should have had 3 penalties. Still, Chelsea only have themselves to blame- they should have scored from open play at least one more time, and to keep giving the ball away playing against 10 men like they did was frankly unacceptable. They got what they deserved. </p> <p>I have just had a cup of tea and a Twix, it was most enjoyable. </p> <p>Yesterday I had a chat to my colleague about a termination request for an OGC customer and did some typing. I also had my fan on despite the overcast and moderate climate we were experiencing; I do enjoy a nice breeze. </p> <p>We were also talking about how little work we'd done. Russell said he never does anything, James authored one Uniflow contract, Richard cleared the team inbox but didn’t feel as if he's done much and I was bogged down in accessory authoring. It really is that simple.</p> <p> <small> <a href="http://stevenallenstories.blog.co.uk/2009/05/08/i-ve-actually-worn-a-pyjama-top-into-work-before-nobody-noticed-6081970/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>http://stevenallenstories.blog.co.uk/2009/05/08/i-ve-actually-worn-a-pyjama-top-into-work-before-nobody-noticed-6081970/#commentshttp://stevenallenstories.blog.co.uk/2009/04/27/i-also-sprayed-the-knotweed-with-oven-cleaner-6016541/tag:stevenallenstories.blog.co.uk,2009-04-27:/2009/04/27/i-also-sprayed-the-knotweed-with-oven-cleaner-6016541/Mon, 27 Apr 2009 13:17:08 +0200 <p>I had a few whiskeys on Thursday night which caused a slight problem with getting into work. </p> <p>I woke up at 8.55am with my mobile phone alarm going off, but in a muffled tone as it was buried under the duvet. It took a few seconds for me to realize the predicament and then jumped out of bed, with the grace of a mountain goat, and proceeded to put on my work clothes. A moment later I realized it was dress down day and amended my attire accordingly; I was then out of the door in a flash. I dare say I may have even been slightly over the limit as I was informed after a meeting that "you could tell I'd been out last night". At lunchtime I had a shower and basically acted like I'd just got up, it was a fresh new start to the day and to celebrate I had scramby eggs on toast before returning back to work a new man.</p> <p>By the end of the day, however, I was well and truly spent and I went to bed at 8pm and watched a couple of films. Well, I say a couple it was more like one and a half. Valkyrie was first up and I enjoyed it, which was a novel experience for me as I normally find films starring Tom Cruise film quite appalling. The next film I attempted was The Spirit, which I put up with for 45 minutes and then turned off. Absolute tripe and no mistake, if anyone watches this film and likes it then they are a stain on society. In the morning I gave it a further 20 minutes before switching off in disgust once again; I gave the bastard a fair crack of the whip, you can not deny me that.</p> <p>On Saturday I thought I might have a stab at painting the fence, so I went down to Homebase and got myself one of those Ronseal paint sprayers and 5 litres of paint for it. Medium Oak was the colour I opted for, that was the one for me. I also stocked back up on weedkiller, this year the Japanese Knotweed will not be allowed to take hold near me. It tried coming up just over the fence in a rather dramatic fashion a few weeks ago but I waged a sustained treatment of weedkilling application which has stopped the evil invader for the time being. I know it is a determined beast, and will no doubt be sending up further shoots, which is why I procure extra weedkiller.</p> <p>I found the paint sprayer to be quite good, although I wasn't overly enamored by the Medium Oak colouration on Sunday morning when I had a closer inspection of my work. It was simply too light, and I determined that a darker oak would be far more appropriate. So off I toddled once again, this time I went to Wicks first and got me some trellis (which I will be erecting in the coming days weather permitting), a fence brush and some outdoor nails. Then I went to Homebase and got some "Dark Oak" coloured paint and some plants and seeds to put in my new boarder. Why a fence brush? Well, I found with the sprayer that the application was sometimes not that even a coverage and got a bit "drippy", so I thought it would be wise to get a brush just to ensure even coverage and also to save paint by stopping the dripping effect.</p> <p>The new colour works a bloody treat and the plants I put in are looking like they will really suit as long as they settle in nicely. All in all I was in the garden from 12.30pm till around 8.45pm, quite a day’s work, I am sure you'll agree. I only stopped to have a roast beef diner which Tash laid on with a glass of plonk. I should also point out that the bath I had at 9pm was just sublime and I really enjoyed it after being out working all day, a real tonic. </p> <p>Seeing as the weather has been so nice of late I have started doing something quite unprecedented. Now, what I have been doing is making ice coffee. In the week I went to the supermarket and got myself some soft scoop ice cream, squirty cream and straws. Then on Saturday I got myself some hi ball glasses from Homebase and after a good weedkilling session proceeded to have a rather lavish ice coffee. </p> <p>1. I put in the granules with a touch of milk so as not to frighten the glass with immediately boiling water<br> 2. The boiling water is poured in, but only about a quarter of the way up the glass<br> 3. I vigorously stir the mixture dissolving the granules a veritable nicety<br> 4. I then fill about half way with semi skimmed or full fat milk (as long as it is not skimmed I don't care)<br> 5. The rest of the glass is then filled with soft scoop vanilla ice cream<br> 6. At this point I add Kahlua, if I am feeling that way inclined<br> 7. Squirty cream to top off and straw added. </p> <p>I found that this weekend having one of these in the morning on Saturday & Sunday was really rather splendid.</p> <p> <small> <a href="http://stevenallenstories.blog.co.uk/2009/04/27/i-also-sprayed-the-knotweed-with-oven-cleaner-6016541/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>gardeningknotweedhttp://stevenallenstories.blog.co.uk/2009/04/27/i-also-sprayed-the-knotweed-with-oven-cleaner-6016541/#commentshttp://stevenallenstories.blog.co.uk/2009/03/20/driving-with-an-open-litre-of-juice-betwixt-one-s-legs-5795801/tag:stevenallenstories.blog.co.uk,2009-03-20:/2009/03/20/driving-with-an-open-litre-of-juice-betwixt-one-s-legs-5795801/Fri, 20 Mar 2009 16:26:36 +0100 <p>Oh, hello there. Sorry it has been some time since I last put something down into actual words to publish on this blog, but I have been quite busy of late. To put it in the words of a disheartened reader who recently emailed me to complain "I am slacking & it's not acceptable". So, where to begin? It's a tricky one as I have been up to many capers of late, including:</p> <p>Getting put into a man called Floyd's cellular device as "Steve The Alien Allen"<br> Trapping some folk from Reading in a room until 7.15am<br> Meeting a rather strange man called Dimitri & wrestling him<br> Sitting in a fish & chip shop with a notice board advertising local housing & texting the numbers to inform them of spelling mistakes<br> Winning the football predictions at work<br> Putting up a darts board in the living room<br> Drinking about 4 bottles of Whyte & McKay whisky<br> Impromptu trips to the tip to deposit rubble bags of earth & an old boiler<br> Going out drinking at 9.30am (with Dimitri)<br> Buying up DVD's, including: Best Seller, High Heels & Low Lifes & Bowfinger<br> Buying a DVD called THX 1138 which is really very odd & has sent me to sleep twice (still haven't watched it the whole way through)<br> Getting almost obsessive about a film called "Walk Hard: The Dewey Cox Story", which I have already seen 4 times<br> Having an argument with Tash about what pub to go to which eventually ended up with me going to the pub on my own, making some new friends at the bar & then getting a taxi to Sutton<br> Winning £85 on the last race at Cheltenham last Friday<br> Sending Rob Isaac a strange picture message of me cuddling a teddy bear. When I got into work on Monday he was very bemused by this which made me laugh all day. He just showed me his phone with the picture displayed & said "why"<br> Eating a plate of mince & pasta covered in cheese, I liked it<br> Buying some darts stuff from dartscorner.co.uk & enjoying very much so, yes, the catalogue they sent me with my order<br> Going out in Reading with Ben & teaching a man to salute- it's the longest way up, shortest way down<br> Watching Full Metal Jacket twice. When they do the press up's, due to Private Pile's jelly doughnut mishap, I like to join in<br> Watching Question Time & joining in with the crowd when they applaud & laugh. It makes you feel as if you're there<br> Amusing myself by doing the following: lifting weights whilst watching The Wire, going for a run & listening to Tommy Boyd’s podcasts, having a bath & then drinking half a bottle of whisky & posing as Gary Wilmot on Twitter. It's just something I like to do<br> Feeling the fascination<br> Having quite a few fry ups & on more than one occasion having two sausages & a fried egg in a sandwich<br> Tidying up the garden</p> <p>I think that is enough for now, dear. I can't think of anything else now anyway. Except for that last week I really wanted to have some crange at work, so I had to drive with an open carton of cranberry juice & an open OJ in the car. The Cran was okay as it has a proper opening system which can be closed, but the OJ was a different kettle of fish altogether. I had to put it between my legs & be most careful when changing gear to prevent any spillages. It was an experience I do not wish to repeat.</p> <p> <small> <a href="http://stevenallenstories.blog.co.uk/2009/03/20/driving-with-an-open-litre-of-juice-betwixt-one-s-legs-5795801/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>http://stevenallenstories.blog.co.uk/2009/03/20/driving-with-an-open-litre-of-juice-betwixt-one-s-legs-5795801/#commentshttp://stevenallenstories.blog.co.uk/2009/02/26/construct-a-shelter-out-of-what-5654477/tag:stevenallenstories.blog.co.uk,2009-02-26:/2009/02/26/construct-a-shelter-out-of-what-5654477/Thu, 26 Feb 2009 15:59:32 +0100 <p>I participate every now and again doing on-line surveys on a site called valued opinions. It's quite a nice thing to do actually, since you get rewarded for doing the surveys you participate in. Once you've built up a cache of £10 you can exchange for several different varieties of voucher, of which I chose an Amazon one. With this voucher I purchased what they call a "clip wallet" and the film "Falling Down" on DVD.</p> <p>This is a picture of the clip wallet, I love it. At the moment I have a nectar card, two visa debit cards and some neatly folded up notes of sterling currency. I am finding the little wallet is bringing great joy into my life because it is a little stunner.</p> <p><a href="javascript:window.open(" title="Clip Wallet"><img src="http://data5.blog.de/media/167/3269167_c2b3e2a42c_m.jpg" alt="Clip Wallet" vspace="5" hspace="5"></a></p> <p>Last weekend I went to Lingfield. I won on one horse "Capricorn Run", £10 to win gave me a return of £65. The only reason I bet on it was because I am a Capricorn and I like the film "Capricorn One". This was my seldom win, but I didn't mind because by the end of the day I was thoroughly drunk. This was aided in part by the ten cans of Stella I took on the train with me, of which Ben & I had 5 each. On the train going there we couldn't manage the whole 10 cans so I sneakily hid the four remaining cans in a tree just outside the entrance to the racecourse. These were then retrieved for the journey home; a cunning and effective plan. On the way back we popped in on my brother and had some more beverages before heading off into Croydon town centre, where we did attempt to frequent a few places but were turned away due to the fact they were closed. At the train station we met a very odd person wearing bright green deck shoes, who was delighted when I asked him why he wasn't wearing socks. He was a strange one.</p> <p>Now, before going to Lingfield I had a quick visit to Reigate to get some money out and go to Morrisons to get some beer. Money was withdrawn with no problem, but Morrisons was a whole different ball game. On my way round Morry I thought that I'd do a bit of grazing and got myself a Belgium chocolate milk drink and downed the blighter, depositing the empty container behind a display of pillows before going to check out the beer. As I was looking at the beer an employee of Morry approached me and said "do you mind paying for this at the till" whilst simultaneously displaying the Belgium choco drink container to me in cupped hands. I looked up and he quickly said "oh sorry, wrong person" and walked off. This scarred the shit out of me and I picked up the nearest box of beer and scurried off to the checkout. I was actually shaking a bit and was very worried the man was going to realize his mistake and come to get me. Luckily I made it out but I was thoroughly shaken; I have no idea why I didn't get rumbled but I've emerged unscathed so I'm counting my blessings.</p> <p>Yesterday was a quite dreadful day, and the reason for this is two fold. Firstly I have to raise 146 separate credits for an account where we have duplicated 225 invoices. To make this task even more arduous I have to print off all invoices concerned, a job that will test my patience for sure. Secondly we were told yesterday that we were no longer allowed to have our headphones on during work, so I no longer have the ability to listen to films, podcasts or music whilst working. This has upset me greatly, words can not describe the hate I feel for the people who have imposed this ban right now. Apparently due to "standards" having to be met across the board within the department we're not allowed headphones anymore. In other words some bleating little cuss has probably been complaining that we can have headphones and they can't; I'd like to get my hands on those responsible. They are vicious bastards who have now ruined my days at work from now on. </p> <p>One positive I have drawn from this is that I will need to find some other time in which to listen to my podcasts. So, yesterday I went out for a little run around Earlswood whilst I listened to some of Tommy Boyd's Global News Show from Tuesday night. Here is the route I took, I ran anticlockwise starting at the green circle:</p> <p><a href="javascript:window.open(" title="My Run Wednesday 25th Feb"><img src="http://data5.blog.de/media/168/3269168_e56c47c720_m.jpg" alt="My Run Wednesday 25th Feb" vspace="5" hspace="5"></a></p> <p>Also I'm finding that now I have no entertainment coming to me through headphones I'm having to find alternate ways to entertain myself. I was trying to write a presentation about solutions earlier and just got bored and irritated thinking about the headphones thing and ended up writing this slide:</p> <p><a href="javascript:window.open(" title="My Presentation"><img src="http://data5.blog.de/media/172/3269172_0d41cbfd5b_m.jpg" alt="My Presentation" vspace="5" hspace="5"></a></p> <p>So anyway, last night I went to Cafe Rouge with Tash as they are doing a buy one get one free deal on main courses. I asked the waitress if I could have the steak but that I didn't want the watercress with it. When mine arrived it had the steak, oh sure, but next to it was a huge pile of salad with more pieces of segmented tomato than I care to mention. I thought, “okay this is annoying” and asked where the chips were. About 5 minutes later the chips arrived in a separate basket. Then when the bill came they'd charged for the steak and a side serving of chips- even though the steak is supposed to come with chips. Bloody cheek, so we asked her what she was trying to pull and she tried to claim I'd asked for more salad and no chips! Stupid woman had to go and redo the bill; she did not get a tip. Disgraceful attitude!</p> <p>Finally I give you the following about how to survive should you get stranded on an Iceberg. Some really good tips here, I for one always take my spear with me wherever I go:</p> <p><a href="javascript:window.open(" title="How to Survive on an Iceberg"><img src="http://data5.blog.de/media/173/3269173_7431ff432d_m.jpg" alt="How to Survive on an Iceberg" vspace="5" hspace="5"></a> </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://stevenallenstories.blog.co.uk/2009/02/26/construct-a-shelter-out-of-what-5654477/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>weekendworkhttp://stevenallenstories.blog.co.uk/2009/02/26/construct-a-shelter-out-of-what-5654477/#commentshttp://stevenallenstories.blog.co.uk/2009/02/20/peanut-colada-5615753/tag:stevenallenstories.blog.co.uk,2009-02-20:/2009/02/20/peanut-colada-5615753/Fri, 20 Feb 2009 15:39:58 +0100 <p>This week I have listened to Happy Gilmore & Demolition Man through my headphones whilst at work. Because I know the films well I don't really need to be able to see them, listening is sufficient. </p> <p>I plan on listening to these films, in this way, plenty more. The scripts are going to be ingrained into my memory. Then I'll be able to annoy people by reciting from the scripts and generally inserting quotes from these films in my every day speak. I already do this to a degree, but now I'll be able to truly fulfill my potential.</p> <p>Last night I ended up watching The Reader, it's a good film but I found it very freaky. If you enjoy seeing a film that will make you think the characters are actually properly fucked up then this is the film for you. </p> <p>Something that has annoyed me recently is the weather. Now that the boiler is working it seems to have become somewhat mild; bloody sod's law isn't it? Last night we had the bedroom window open all night for God's sake. Part of me wants that cold snap to return so I can fully enjoy the new boiler, that would be very nice actually.</p> <p>This morning I had a fry up accompanied by a nice fresh glass of crange... just lovely. I left for work a bit later than usual, get an extra five minutes to hang about as it's half term. With my extra five minutes of hang time I watched Sky Sports News and supped on my crange. A worthwhile past time if ever there was one.</p> <p>Right, time for me to listen to Demo Man for the second time this week. Whilst doing this I'm going to book renewal contracts on the system, it's just something I have to do actually.</p> <p> <small> <a href="http://stevenallenstories.blog.co.uk/2009/02/20/peanut-colada-5615753/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>filmhouseworkhttp://stevenallenstories.blog.co.uk/2009/02/20/peanut-colada-5615753/#commentshttp://stevenallenstories.blog.co.uk/2009/02/19/what-off-this-is-my-real-voice-how-dare-you-5609524/tag:stevenallenstories.blog.co.uk,2009-02-19:/2009/02/19/what-off-this-is-my-real-voice-how-dare-you-5609524/Thu, 19 Feb 2009 17:24:50 +0100 <p>I missed Lost on Sunday night and so was forced to download the latest episode in order to keep up with the joneses. All well and good, until you consider that the version I downloaded came complete with Spanish subtitles; of all the rotten inconveniences. This unfortunate oversight was made all the more exasperating by the fact that this particular episode of Lost was littered with English subtitles (on account of all the Korean and French characters that have suddenly turned up). Of course the Spanish subtitles were layered over the English ones making it near impossible for me to follow what was being said. Fucking typical.</p> <p>Nevertheless I persevered and I have now deleted the nasty little idiot of a file, never to be seen again. I will endeavor to not miss another episode as I dislike the inconvenience this causes greatly. </p> <p>Also yesterday I burnt a DVD, I'm going to watch some of the films on it tonight. On this disk are the following: The Reader, Taken, The Man From Earth and Revolutionary Road. The plan is to get home do my weights and then jump into bed and just watch a couple of films, should be good. Revolutionary Road and The Reader are really for Tash to watch so I'll probably watch one of the others, in fact I know I ruddy well will.</p> <p>The boiler is fixed! It is so nice to have the hot water and heating available once again. There is still work to be done but at the moment things are working silky smooth. The old boiler is still out the front on the lawn, it's been there for ages and I like having it there as a warning to the new boiler not to mess with me. It's being allowed to rot like because it behaved like a useless idiot.</p> <p><a href="javascript:window.open(" title="View of the front lawn as I leave the house"><img src="http://data5.blog.de/media/433/3248433_597b6e53d6_m.jpg" alt="View of the front lawn as I leave the house" vspace="5" hspace="5"></a><a href="javascript:window.open(" title="Nasty piece of machinery"><img src="http://data5.blog.de/media/439/3248439_bcf524f901_m.jpg" alt="Nasty piece of machinery" vspace="5" hspace="5"></a><a href="javascript:window.open(" title="The offending boiler"><img src="http://data5.blog.de/media/445/3248445_98a5cfb893_m.jpg" alt="The offending boiler" vspace="5" hspace="5"></a><a href="javascript:window.open(" title="It\"><img src="http://data5.blog.de/media/446/3248446_8b67540070_m.jpg" alt="It\" vspace="5" hspace="5"></a> </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://stevenallenstories.blog.co.uk/2009/02/19/what-off-this-is-my-real-voice-how-dare-you-5609524/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>http://stevenallenstories.blog.co.uk/2009/02/19/what-off-this-is-my-real-voice-how-dare-you-5609524/#commentshttp://stevenallenstories.blog.co.uk/2009/02/18/no-not-to-an-extent-5601380/tag:stevenallenstories.blog.co.uk,2009-02-18:/2009/02/18/no-not-to-an-extent-5601380/Wed, 18 Feb 2009 15:55:34 +0100 <p>Been a busy couple of weeks really, in the main driven by the fact that my card was cloned. It all started when I got my bank statement through the post and upon inspection I found I had some suspect transactions. These being £300 worth of Canadian Dollars withdrawn within Canada, nothing to do with me guv. I was straight on the phone to the fraud department to resolve the discrepancy. Yesterday I had a letter from the bank saying they'd put the money back into my account; I've also had a new card as well. A fresh start, if you will.</p> <p>I used my new card for the first time yesterday and it was silky smooth.</p> <p>In other news, I went to Tesco at the beginning of last week to stock up on some foodstuffs. Whilst going round I consumed a strawberry and banana smoothie, a vanilla bean flavored milkshake and a strawberry Crusha milkshake. All packaging was deposited back onto the shelves at Tesco, I believe this is what's known as grazing. When I got home I had the most terrible trouble with wind, it was due to my grazing and the fact that before I went to the supermarket I had a bowl of filtered chicken soup. You see, I don't like the chicken bits they put in the soup, so I sift them out using a strainer. It's the same strainer I use to drain my rice.</p> <p>Also, I've been watching a program called Evolution that's being aired on the History Channel at the moment. On the episode about the evolution of flight there were a pair of rather peculiar scientists who had developed a theory called "wing assisted incline running". I have nothing particular to add, other than that I like the name of this theory.</p> <p>Finally, I was doing some of what we call "rollovers" at work t'other day. These are lease contracts which have been incorrectly set up and so have to be terminated and set up again, or rolled over. We have over 40 of these to do at the moment, and I took a job lot of 10 of these for myself. What I had essentially done was adopt a batch mentality. That is all.</p> <p> <small> <a href="http://stevenallenstories.blog.co.uk/2009/02/18/no-not-to-an-extent-5601380/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>http://stevenallenstories.blog.co.uk/2009/02/18/no-not-to-an-extent-5601380/#commentshttp://stevenallenstories.blog.co.uk/2009/02/12/worst-current-premiership-eleven-5560827/tag:stevenallenstories.blog.co.uk,2009-02-12:/2009/02/12/worst-current-premiership-eleven-5560827/Thu, 12 Feb 2009 16:57:51 +0100 <p class="MsoNormal"><span>Just thought I'd put this one out there for general discussion.</span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span> </span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span>I’ve been having an email conversation, with a couple of pals, of late about who we would have in our current worst Premiership 11. Below are the players who have been brought up; I’ve amalgamated our comments about these players for general consumption.</span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span> </span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span>It would be nice of you to pick your worst 11 and leave your comments. If we can narrow this down to the ultimate 11, it’ll be good. Let’s include substitutes into the bargain as well. Well, why not indeed?</span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><strong><span> </span></strong></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><strong><span>Goalkeeper:</span></strong></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span> </span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><strong><span>Carson</span></strong><span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span>He keeps making mistakes. Remember Croatia? And he is still making similar mistakes week in week out in the premiership.</span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><strong><span>Calamity James</span></strong><span> </span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span>Just Can't trust him.</span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span> </span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><strong><span>Defence</span></strong></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span> </span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><strong><span>Eboue</span></strong><span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span>Even arsenal fans think he is rubbish. Just a horrible little thug, hot head. He's so pants.</span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><strong><span>Assou-Ekotto</span></strong></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span>He's shocking, why Redknapp doesn’t drop him for Bale I don’t know.</span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><strong><span>Bramble</span></strong></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span>No explanation needed, I am better than him. Talentless beyond remorse.</span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><strong><span>Wes Brown</span></strong></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span>Just don’t rate him, at all. The Man U world class defense makes him look good.</span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><strong><span>Carragher</span></strong></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span>I just dislike him immensely. Arrogant little turncoat. Past it. </span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><strong><span>Distin</span></strong></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span>All he does is give away penalties. Always having weekend howlers. He and Sol are starting to show their age. </span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><strong><span>Ben Haim</span></strong></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span>Utter Tripe, can't understand why Chelsea went near him, and now Man City have found out what I already knew- he's rubbish. His rapid decline to now being on loan Sunderland speaks volumes.</span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><strong><span>Lucas Neill</span></strong></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span>How on earth he gets paid what he does I do not know.</span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span> </span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><strong><span>Midfield</span></strong></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span> </span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><strong><span>O'Hara </span></strong></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span>He is poor, can't pass or cross for toffee.</span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><strong><span>Mikel</span></strong></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span>Rubbish, Man U got so lucky Chelsea stole him.</span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><strong><span>Kalou </span></strong></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span>Can't stand him, another one made to look good by the players around him.</span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><strong><span>Malouda</span></strong></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span>Just don't get why he’d get in the Chelsea team, along with Mikel & Kalou. He is the worst player in the Chelsea team at the moment.</span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><strong><span>Boa Morte</span></strong></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span>How he is on 40 grand a week I don't know. Arsenal figured it out, West Ham figured it out and Fulham figured it out- eventually.</span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><strong><span>Bentley</span></strong></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span>Has managed to get this great reputation for somewhere, quite how I don't know. My Arsenal mate reckons he’s a pile of the proverbial. Ever since that wonder goal for Tottyshite against Arsenal in the 4-4, earlier this season, he’s done bugger all. </span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><strong><span>Reo-Coker</span></strong></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span>What the hell does this bloke do? Whenever I've seen him play he's been a passenger. I don’t recall him even doing anything noteworthy.</span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><strong><span>Joey Barton </span></strong></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span>Northern monkey thug, detest him.</span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><strong><span>Nicky Butt</span></strong></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span>Just retire, you talentless has-been.</span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span> </span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><strong><span>Forwards</span></strong></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span> </span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><strong><span>Kevin Davies</span></strong></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span>Thug, no skill, at least one Bolton player had to be in there. Just a thug with no footballing talent, I can see why Megson likes him as he is as useless as he is.</span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><strong><span>Marlon King</span></strong></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span>WTF is that fella doing anywhere near the premiership? He was crud when he played for Forest in the Championship, I've never understood why he is in the Premiership.</span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><strong><span>Bendtner</span></strong></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span>I just don't get what Wenger sees in this character, never seen him do anything of worth. A rather average, championship standard player, if I may be so bold. </span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><strong><span>Diouf</span></strong></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span>Spitting thug with no talent, typical Big Sam player. A spitter ain’t no winner. Diouf is nasty piece of work, and I can't recall last time he scored let alone impressed me. </span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><strong><span>Peter Crouch</span></strong></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span>An embarrassment. Misses far too many times.</span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span> </span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><strong><span>Manager</span></strong></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span> </span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span>Megson - The lucky bluffer, he shouldn't even be allowed to manage Sutton Utd.</span></p> <p> </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://stevenallenstories.blog.co.uk/2009/02/12/worst-current-premiership-eleven-5560827/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>http://stevenallenstories.blog.co.uk/2009/02/12/worst-current-premiership-eleven-5560827/#comments