I haven’t made a post on here since 15/02/11, a smidgen over two years ago. A bit silly really, considering I pay roughly £3.30 a month to keep this running, as I am what is known as a “pro” subscriber to this little endeavour. That said, I have used the substantial media web space offered to me (as part of the deal) to upload pictures to imbed into my various E-Bay sales. It’s a positive, and I will cling to this for dear life.

What has prompted me to actually write a posting is a rather unsavoury incident that occurred yesterday evening. The plan had been to finish work and then go to the supermarket, however there was a radical overhaul of this plan upon arriving home (we couldn’t be bothered) and we decided to order up a pizza. A pizza from the proprietor known as Papa John, good old Pops.

What made this plan all the more marvellous was what I discovered when I ran the customary search for on-line vouchers. Tesco, you see, are offering to convert any of their vouchers to Papa John vouchers, and it just so happens that we had a £5 Tesco Club Card Voucher awaiting use. There were two lovely things about this:

1. The offer was to convert a £5 Tesco to a £20 Papa
2. I’ve rather gone off Tesco of late, it is poorly stocked and over-priced. So this Papa conversion was ideal as it meant I didn’t have to visit the local store

So, we ordered a large pizza to share with chicken dipper sides and a cookie thing for afters. I ate this whilst watching the football, but that is not what’s important right now. Afterwards I thought I’d give Dexter a walk, help my dinner go down and also give the poor mite an outing. What good intensions these are.

I set off, all being well. But then, a sudden and very serious urge to use the toilet (for a number two) consumed me. I was doing a lap of the block and was about half way round, bloody typical – equidistant from the toilet forwards and backwards, drat! I started marching myself at an urgent pace right away.

The need became so strong that I had to start running on tip toes quite carefully, as the feeling of bounding onto the pavement in the normal manner was only worsening my plight. I couldn’t understand how this sensation could suddenly become so overwhelming, a mere moment ago this simply had not been on the cards whatsoever.

Every step closer to home felt like a mini victory, but I was having to concentrate so hard on controlling my innards that I was breathing quite irregularly and had a real awkward grimace pasted onto my face. God knows what the one and only passer-by thought as I cantered by utilizing such a bizarre gait with a look of pure concentrated horror on my face.

As I approached home I undid my coat and made sure I had the right key selected, prepping myself for a swift entrance. As soon as I was in I released Dexter, threw off my coat and tried to sprint up stairs. Unfortunately I had to go much slower than I wanted as striding up the stairs quickly was forcing the situation to a head. When my arse eventually hit the toilet seat I was practically going already. What a fucking ordeal.

So, that’s what you get for taking your little dog out for a well-deserved walk, is it? Thank you very fucking much!

Anyway, I shall make a bit of an effort to start rambling on here a bit more. I have indeed been racking my brains trying to think what the hell I was doing in 2011, it is actually quite difficult.