Something previously unthinkable happened to me yesterday, a first in all my 31 years on earth. I ran out of petrol, who'd have thunk it?

It occurred on my way home from work at around 5.45pm GMT. I was making hay along the Pendleton Road, when the Almera started a stuttering and a fluttering. I did think this rather odd and had an opportunity to pull over into a bus stop but decided to carry on. I back this decision up, and will stand by it, given I've never run out of petrol before. You do see don't you?

Map of incident

The Almera ran dry about 50 meters on from the bus stop and I managed to, rather stupidly, get half way up onto a grassy knoll leaving the back end of the conveyance jutting out into the road. Fucking proper inconvenient, pardon me French. Here be a view of said knoll, it's where the pavement stops and the grass starts, I banked right up:

The scene of the crime

Well, this was a conundrum to be sure. I sat with the hand brake on and shoved on the trusty old hazard warnings. What a treat. I had an attempt to push manually further up the verge but it was just futile. It was also pissing me of royally that the traffic was at times relentless, affording me no opportunity to open the driver's door and have a welly at it.

The next logical step was to ring Tash and send some urgent instructions down the line. Thankfully we have a petrol can in the shed, which I asked Tash to: locate, transport to the local Texas Tea Stop and fill with unleaded napalm. All I could now do was to sit and wait, oh yeah and then my phone battery ran out.

I was very lucky that James Gasson, on his merry way home from work, spotted me and came to my aid. In-between the bursts of traffic we managed to push the beast off the knoll and onto the pavement; so that the back end wasn't jutting out just waiting to be walloped by some inconsiderate cunt. I must extend my deepest thanks to James on this one, top man. He also lent me a go of his phone so I could check Tash had indeed located the petrol can.

I was literally shitting myself that the police were going to pass and get involved as I shouldn't really be driving it, got a nail in one of the tyres. Not strictly legal that mate. You can see how deflated it is in the below image I captured only this morning, it's also missing that little thing that covers the air valve:

It's got a nail in it

My other concern was that I knew we don't have a funnel for the petrol can, so I spent my time rooting around for something to fashion one from. The most suitable funnel material I had was a leaflet from The Eden Project that had been left in the car:

The leaflet - my saviour

I took it outside, rolled it into a tube and tried to force it into the fuel tank. Unfortunately the tube lacked the innate structural integrity to force past the little metal flap that your usual nozzle, at the petrol pump, brushes past like a hot knife through butter. Here be the metal flap:

Petrol Hole

A problem had been presented to me, so I went rooting trough the various articles within the car and found this:

The strange rod hook

Perfecto! This thing when coupled with the leaflet provided me with a viable workaround to my problem. This is what the bungled funnel looked like:

Rolled up Eden Project leaflet acts as a funnel

Tash arrived very shortly after I'd come up with my funnel workaround and furnished me with the petrol. I was very careful to pour in slowly and the petrol was absolutely freezing against my bare fingers; I was quite numb by the time I'd poured my last drop. With the fuel tank now stocked, I crossed my fingers that the battery hadn't run flat in the meantime.

After two attempts she fired up a treat and I was off, the end of a pretty harrowing experience. The below picture shows the motley tools of my trade last night:

The tools of the trade

Suffice to say I cycled in today.