Steven Paul Allen's Stories of Woe

I was united with my calculator back in the winter of 2002. It was given to me with an assortment of other stationary items to get me started on my first day. I also got some pens and a notepad, which was nice. Presently the calculator is the only survivor from this initial stationary bundle, and thus holds a special place in my heart.

It hasn't been easy for the calculator. I've written on it, stuck stickers on it and have also damaged a hinge which allows the screen to sit at an incline. In order to repair the aforementioned hinge I've selotaped the body of a bulldog clip behind the screen which leaves the screen at a perma incline state. I like my workaround because it shows that I'm an innovative thinker; I also think it looks splendid.

Amongst the daubing I have littered on the calculator are the following: a random pattern that I have drawn under the screen in pencil, some button border which I have drawn in black marker pen and just scribbles and stuff. On the facade of the calculator is a Granny Smith's sticker, and I have drawn a border round it with marker pen also- this looks quite good in my opinion.

The back of the calculator is covered in stickers which were given to me by Big Jimmy G. You see, he sometimes brings in sandwiches and he uses the stickers to fasten the sandwich bags. The stickers all have writing upon them, thus I give you:

"dotty"
"FACT: It takes light 8 minutes to get to the earth!"
"What is Woddy's favourite snack? Prickled Onions" (this sticker has a picture Woody the headgehog on it with a thought bubble saying "yum!")
"What is as big as Iggy, but weights nothing? His shadow!" (this sticker has a picture of Iggy the dinosaur on it, he is smiling and waving)
"ZOOM!"
"squiggle"
"Woody loves autumn" (sticker has a picture of Woody the headgehog rolling in the leaves)

Now for the science. The calculator is primarily solar powered but has a battery back up, just incase. There are non-slip rubber pads on the underside to aid stabilization when hammering away at the buttons. One nice feature is the presence of a little stand which enables one to elevate the calculator in much the same way you would a keyboard. When coupled with the display tilt option this forms a powerful incline ability which makes the calculator second to none.

I normally use the calculator to spot check VAT & discounts when doing termination quotes, but I also don't mind doing the odd bit of multiplication with the sturdy mother. Size wise it is a considerable bit of kit for a calc,13.6 cm wide and 19.9cm long; if I one were to throw it at a person I'd wager one could inflict a hefty bruise. Its size hasn't been a problem at all, in fact I find its bulkiness an attractive quality. There was a time when I acquired a smaller calculator and I just couldn't get on with it, within days I was back to at home on my big bit of kit. The smaller calculator was defaced with Tip-Ex and disguarded like a bit of old meat. I just couldn't stand to have it in my possession a moment longer.

The calculator is a very good quality build and has been at home in a variety of different locations. A real plus when you've had as many desk moves as I have. I've kept it in my tray, middle and lower draws but never in the stationary draw- doesn’t fit due to its enormity. Well, relative enormity given its calculator counterparts. The build quality has come in very handy as it has survived a cornucopia of drops and punishments.

Overall I give my calculator 10/10. It has personality and is a God send when called upon. A true British hero.

Rather a harrowing trip to Tesco last week. Three things went awry, always in threes; I just don't understand it. It all started so well with a bit of Tom Thievery. You see, I wanted some blank DVD's, but was not enamored with the idea of paying for said goods. So, I got a pack of 5 and put them in the "environmentally friendly" bags that we sometimes take along with us. We went through the checkout and back to the car all well and good. It wasn't until I arrived home and started unpacking that the three evils reared up like Mearkats on the lookout for predators.

1. The blank DVD's were of the -R variety, I must have +R. I thus have 5 blank DVD's that are useless to me.
2. The curry I had procured wasn't at all the Masala flavour that I crave so wantonly. I had mistakenly purchased the Jalfrezy variety, which I find onion filled and peppery to an unholy extreme. Such a rancid format of curry.
3. Upon routine inspection of the receipt I discovered that the toe rags had charged me full whack for my pizzas, knowing full well (I'll wager) that they were clearly marked as half price in the aisles.

I have kept the receipt and will be having words with the customer services executives next time I visit Tescos. This travesty reversed. Those scally's owe me £3.28. If I hadn't unwrapped the DVD's I'd be having them exchanged 'n' all, of course making up some soppy excuse for not having a receipt. I lost it, or even better: dropped it in a puddle. They'd have never suspected a thing.

Breakfast this morning was nice, had two pieces of toast, two hash browns, two fried eggs and two sausages. The plate I ate off was placed on a tray, upon which were also two sachets of tomato ketchup. These ketchups were dispensed, onto a clearing I had made specifically for the ketchup, on the plate. I got the lift back to my desk as I'm not a fan of climbing two floors worth of stairs on a full stomach, it is unpleasant.

I decided to have a cup of tea after breakfast, good. Might go to John's army surplus on the next bank holiday to try and get a hat like this one:

That’s 16 days time. By that time a lot of the seeds I planted in the garden yesterday should be germinating; got £10 worth of seeds for free yesterday from Hombase. I put them inside a pot and the woman at the till didn't notice them there when she was scanning my items. I kept my moth shut and made it off with free seed.

When I realised what was happening I was jumping for joy inside. As I was paying I was hoping that I hadn't been rumbled on CCTV & was worried there would be some horrible old git waiting outside for me. I paid as quickly as I could and turned down the offer of assistance to help carry my wares to my car.

I said thank you to the young check out girl with a glint in my eye and as felt as if I was walking on air as I made my way across the car park. My facial expression was one of wonderment and I hurriedly packed my new belongings into the car and then made off laughing to myself.

Good game that Chelsea one in the week, wasn't it? Thought it was well funny when Ballack followed the ref & after the game when Didier went mad, the reaction was unprecedented. That ref was quite the berk. I think the result is immaterial in any case as Man U will beat Barcelona & they would have beaten Chelsea as well.

It was great when Sky Sports aired Didier’s little outburst, even better when the fools repeated it after the ad break. Oh sorry, sorry- shut up it's good and it's 10pm at night, I allow it.

The ref was terrible. I don't think they should have had a player sent off and Chelsea should have had 3 penalties. Still, Chelsea only have themselves to blame- they should have scored from open play at least one more time, and to keep giving the ball away playing against 10 men like they did was frankly unacceptable. They got what they deserved.

I have just had a cup of tea and a Twix, it was most enjoyable.

Yesterday I had a chat to my colleague about a termination request for an OGC customer and did some typing. I also had my fan on despite the overcast and moderate climate we were experiencing; I do enjoy a nice breeze.

We were also talking about how little work we'd done. Russell said he never does anything, James authored one Uniflow contract, Richard cleared the team inbox but didn’t feel as if he's done much and I was bogged down in accessory authoring. It really is that simple.