Steven Paul Allen's Stories of Woe

I participate every now and again doing on-line surveys on a site called valued opinions. It's quite a nice thing to do actually, since you get rewarded for doing the surveys you participate in. Once you've built up a cache of £10 you can exchange for several different varieties of voucher, of which I chose an Amazon one. With this voucher I purchased what they call a "clip wallet" and the film "Falling Down" on DVD.

This is a picture of the clip wallet, I love it. At the moment I have a nectar card, two visa debit cards and some neatly folded up notes of sterling currency. I am finding the little wallet is bringing great joy into my life because it is a little stunner.

Last weekend I went to Lingfield. I won on one horse "Capricorn Run", £10 to win gave me a return of £65. The only reason I bet on it was because I am a Capricorn and I like the film "Capricorn One". This was my seldom win, but I didn't mind because by the end of the day I was thoroughly drunk. This was aided in part by the ten cans of Stella I took on the train with me, of which Ben & I had 5 each. On the train going there we couldn't manage the whole 10 cans so I sneakily hid the four remaining cans in a tree just outside the entrance to the racecourse. These were then retrieved for the journey home; a cunning and effective plan. On the way back we popped in on my brother and had some more beverages before heading off into Croydon town centre, where we did attempt to frequent a few places but were turned away due to the fact they were closed. At the train station we met a very odd person wearing bright green deck shoes, who was delighted when I asked him why he wasn't wearing socks. He was a strange one.

Now, before going to Lingfield I had a quick visit to Reigate to get some money out and go to Morrisons to get some beer. Money was withdrawn with no problem, but Morrisons was a whole different ball game. On my way round Morry I thought that I'd do a bit of grazing and got myself a Belgium chocolate milk drink and downed the blighter, depositing the empty container behind a display of pillows before going to check out the beer. As I was looking at the beer an employee of Morry approached me and said "do you mind paying for this at the till" whilst simultaneously displaying the Belgium choco drink container to me in cupped hands. I looked up and he quickly said "oh sorry, wrong person" and walked off. This scarred the shit out of me and I picked up the nearest box of beer and scurried off to the checkout. I was actually shaking a bit and was very worried the man was going to realize his mistake and come to get me. Luckily I made it out but I was thoroughly shaken; I have no idea why I didn't get rumbled but I've emerged unscathed so I'm counting my blessings.

Yesterday was a quite dreadful day, and the reason for this is two fold. Firstly I have to raise 146 separate credits for an account where we have duplicated 225 invoices. To make this task even more arduous I have to print off all invoices concerned, a job that will test my patience for sure. Secondly we were told yesterday that we were no longer allowed to have our headphones on during work, so I no longer have the ability to listen to films, podcasts or music whilst working. This has upset me greatly, words can not describe the hate I feel for the people who have imposed this ban right now. Apparently due to "standards" having to be met across the board within the department we're not allowed headphones anymore. In other words some bleating little cuss has probably been complaining that we can have headphones and they can't; I'd like to get my hands on those responsible. They are vicious bastards who have now ruined my days at work from now on.

One positive I have drawn from this is that I will need to find some other time in which to listen to my podcasts. So, yesterday I went out for a little run around Earlswood whilst I listened to some of Tommy Boyd's Global News Show from Tuesday night. Here is the route I took, I ran anticlockwise starting at the green circle:

Also I'm finding that now I have no entertainment coming to me through headphones I'm having to find alternate ways to entertain myself. I was trying to write a presentation about solutions earlier and just got bored and irritated thinking about the headphones thing and ended up writing this slide:

So anyway, last night I went to Cafe Rouge with Tash as they are doing a buy one get one free deal on main courses. I asked the waitress if I could have the steak but that I didn't want the watercress with it. When mine arrived it had the steak, oh sure, but next to it was a huge pile of salad with more pieces of segmented tomato than I care to mention. I thought, “okay this is annoying” and asked where the chips were. About 5 minutes later the chips arrived in a separate basket. Then when the bill came they'd charged for the steak and a side serving of chips- even though the steak is supposed to come with chips. Bloody cheek, so we asked her what she was trying to pull and she tried to claim I'd asked for more salad and no chips! Stupid woman had to go and redo the bill; she did not get a tip. Disgraceful attitude!

Finally I give you the following about how to survive should you get stranded on an Iceberg. Some really good tips here, I for one always take my spear with me wherever I go:

This week I have listened to Happy Gilmore & Demolition Man through my headphones whilst at work. Because I know the films well I don't really need to be able to see them, listening is sufficient.

I plan on listening to these films, in this way, plenty more. The scripts are going to be ingrained into my memory. Then I'll be able to annoy people by reciting from the scripts and generally inserting quotes from these films in my every day speak. I already do this to a degree, but now I'll be able to truly fulfill my potential.

Last night I ended up watching The Reader, it's a good film but I found it very freaky. If you enjoy seeing a film that will make you think the characters are actually properly fucked up then this is the film for you.

Something that has annoyed me recently is the weather. Now that the boiler is working it seems to have become somewhat mild; bloody sod's law isn't it? Last night we had the bedroom window open all night for God's sake. Part of me wants that cold snap to return so I can fully enjoy the new boiler, that would be very nice actually.

This morning I had a fry up accompanied by a nice fresh glass of crange... just lovely. I left for work a bit later than usual, get an extra five minutes to hang about as it's half term. With my extra five minutes of hang time I watched Sky Sports News and supped on my crange. A worthwhile past time if ever there was one.

Right, time for me to listen to Demo Man for the second time this week. Whilst doing this I'm going to book renewal contracts on the system, it's just something I have to do actually.

I missed Lost on Sunday night and so was forced to download the latest episode in order to keep up with the joneses. All well and good, until you consider that the version I downloaded came complete with Spanish subtitles; of all the rotten inconveniences. This unfortunate oversight was made all the more exasperating by the fact that this particular episode of Lost was littered with English subtitles (on account of all the Korean and French characters that have suddenly turned up). Of course the Spanish subtitles were layered over the English ones making it near impossible for me to follow what was being said. Fucking typical.

Nevertheless I persevered and I have now deleted the nasty little idiot of a file, never to be seen again. I will endeavor to not miss another episode as I dislike the inconvenience this causes greatly.

Also yesterday I burnt a DVD, I'm going to watch some of the films on it tonight. On this disk are the following: The Reader, Taken, The Man From Earth and Revolutionary Road. The plan is to get home do my weights and then jump into bed and just watch a couple of films, should be good. Revolutionary Road and The Reader are really for Tash to watch so I'll probably watch one of the others, in fact I know I ruddy well will.

The boiler is fixed! It is so nice to have the hot water and heating available once again. There is still work to be done but at the moment things are working silky smooth. The old boiler is still out the front on the lawn, it's been there for ages and I like having it there as a warning to the new boiler not to mess with me. It's being allowed to rot like because it behaved like a useless idiot.

Been a busy couple of weeks really, in the main driven by the fact that my card was cloned. It all started when I got my bank statement through the post and upon inspection I found I had some suspect transactions. These being £300 worth of Canadian Dollars withdrawn within Canada, nothing to do with me guv. I was straight on the phone to the fraud department to resolve the discrepancy. Yesterday I had a letter from the bank saying they'd put the money back into my account; I've also had a new card as well. A fresh start, if you will.

I used my new card for the first time yesterday and it was silky smooth.

In other news, I went to Tesco at the beginning of last week to stock up on some foodstuffs. Whilst going round I consumed a strawberry and banana smoothie, a vanilla bean flavored milkshake and a strawberry Crusha milkshake. All packaging was deposited back onto the shelves at Tesco, I believe this is what's known as grazing. When I got home I had the most terrible trouble with wind, it was due to my grazing and the fact that before I went to the supermarket I had a bowl of filtered chicken soup. You see, I don't like the chicken bits they put in the soup, so I sift them out using a strainer. It's the same strainer I use to drain my rice.

Also, I've been watching a program called Evolution that's being aired on the History Channel at the moment. On the episode about the evolution of flight there were a pair of rather peculiar scientists who had developed a theory called "wing assisted incline running". I have nothing particular to add, other than that I like the name of this theory.

Finally, I was doing some of what we call "rollovers" at work t'other day. These are lease contracts which have been incorrectly set up and so have to be terminated and set up again, or rolled over. We have over 40 of these to do at the moment, and I took a job lot of 10 of these for myself. What I had essentially done was adopt a batch mentality. That is all.

Just thought I'd put this one out there for general discussion.

 

I’ve been having an email conversation, with a couple of pals, of late about who we would have in our current worst Premiership 11. Below are the players who have been brought up; I’ve amalgamated our comments about these players for general consumption.

 

It would be nice of you to pick your worst 11 and leave your comments. If we can narrow this down to the ultimate 11, it’ll be good. Let’s include substitutes into the bargain as well. Well, why not indeed?

 

Goalkeeper:

 

Carson

He keeps making mistakes. Remember Croatia? And he is still making similar mistakes week in week out in the premiership.

Calamity James

Just Can't trust him.

 

Defence

 

Eboue

Even arsenal fans think he is rubbish. Just a horrible little thug, hot head. He's so pants.

Assou-Ekotto

He's shocking, why Redknapp doesn’t drop him for Bale I don’t know.

Bramble

No explanation needed, I am better than him. Talentless beyond remorse.

Wes Brown

Just don’t rate him, at all. The Man U world class defense makes him look good.

Carragher

I just dislike him immensely. Arrogant little turncoat. Past it.

Distin

All he does is give away penalties. Always having weekend howlers. He and Sol are starting to show their age.

Ben Haim

Utter Tripe, can't understand why Chelsea went near him, and now Man City have found out what I already knew- he's rubbish. His rapid decline to now being on loan Sunderland speaks volumes.

Lucas Neill

How on earth he gets paid what he does I do not know.

 

Midfield

 

O'Hara

He is poor, can't pass or cross for toffee.

Mikel

Rubbish, Man U got so lucky Chelsea stole him.

Kalou

Can't stand him, another one made to look good by the players around him.

Malouda

Just don't get why he’d get in the Chelsea team, along with Mikel & Kalou. He is the worst player in the Chelsea team at the moment.

Boa Morte

How he is on 40 grand a week I don't know. Arsenal figured it out, West Ham figured it out and Fulham figured it out- eventually.

Bentley

Has managed to get this great reputation for somewhere, quite how I don't know. My Arsenal mate reckons he’s a pile of the proverbial. Ever since that wonder goal for Tottyshite against Arsenal in the 4-4, earlier this season, he’s done bugger all.

Reo-Coker

What the hell does this bloke do? Whenever I've seen him play he's been a passenger. I don’t recall him even doing anything noteworthy.

Joey Barton

Northern monkey thug, detest him.

Nicky Butt

Just retire, you talentless has-been.

 

Forwards

 

Kevin Davies

Thug, no skill, at least one Bolton player had to be in there. Just a thug with no footballing talent, I can see why Megson likes him as he is as useless as he is.

Marlon King

WTF is that fella doing anywhere near the premiership? He was crud when he played for Forest in the Championship, I've never understood why he is in the Premiership.

Bendtner

I just don't get what Wenger sees in this character, never seen him do anything of worth. A rather average, championship standard player, if I may be so bold.

Diouf

Spitting thug with no talent, typical Big Sam player. A spitter ain’t no winner. Diouf is nasty piece of work, and I can't recall last time he scored let alone impressed me.

Peter Crouch

An embarrassment. Misses far too many times.

 

Manager

 

Megson - The lucky bluffer, he shouldn't even be allowed to manage Sutton Utd.

 

These are the pictures I took on Monday and Tuesday whilst out in the snowy wilderness. The last three I took whilst cutting across the golf course on the way to work, on Tuesday morning, in some rather unpleasant hail like precipitation.

They let us go home at 5pm yesterday, on account of the weather. The walk home went well until I got into Earlswood where the pavements seemed to be terribly icy compared to the path I have previously trodden. I didn't slip over but I was scared, whenever I could I held onto anything that could stabilize me, be it a wall or a fence. I found this really did tend to help.

When I finally got in I ate the sandwiches that I'd left behind in the morning and then devoured a litre of strawberry jelly. I then made myself a hot chocolate using Nesquik and went upstairs with this beverage to do some things. These things were as follows:

1. Burn a DVD with the films: Body of Lies, The Wrestler & What just Happened
2. Do Some Weight Training whilst having a mix in-between sets & waiting for DVD to burn
3. Once DVD was burnt sit and listen to a bit of the album Moon Safari by Air

I went to bed at 7.50pm and watched the film Body of Lies. This had always been my intention and is indeed why I burnt the DVD. The film was not bad, but not great. I was expecting more from it as I generally like films by Ridley Scott, so I was a bit disappointed. I was asleep before 10.30pm, lovely stuff. This enabled me to get up with relative ease come 6.45am. Quite naturally, without my alarm going off. See, my alarm is set to go off at 7am but today that system of alert was rendered obsolete, this pleased me.

I went into the spare room and cycled on my exercise bike for 45 minutes whilst watching episode 3 of the Evolve series of programs currently airing on the History Channel. After this I had become suitably hot to endure a cold shower and this is what I did. Whilst under the shower I said "oh fuck, oh fuck, oh fuck" on account of the freezing cold water. I then went and made myself a lovely breakfast consisting of two pieces of toast, two fried eggs and three sausages.

To drink I had half a pint of orange juice mixed with half a pint of cranberry juice. It really does make a delicious drink and I whole heartedly recommend this concoction to all and sundry. I have no idea how I discovered this but I'm telling you it works a treat. I drank this heady beverage whilst overseeing the frying of my sausages and eggs. An interesting past time, I'm sure you'll agree.

At 8.25am I set off on my way to work. It is still bloody slipping and a sliding, which is most concerning but I made it into work unscathed.

Yesterday I thought I'd try to drive into work, bit of a mistake. I reversed out into the road and as soon as I tried to go forwards I found I was stuck. I tried on several occasions to pull away and just remained stationary. So, I decided to try and get back under the car port. I really gave it some and managed to skid and swerve back to square one, what a relief. I then proceeded to walk into work. When I arrived in, 25 minutes late, I discovered that I was one of a select few who has made the journey in. They let us go home at 2.30pm as everyone was so worried about the worsening conditions and getting home safe. So, I trudged home and then did a bit of a non-event pub crawl.

We (we being Tash, Ging & I) walked down to the Flying Scud, The Plough and The Elm Shades which were all shut. Only The Joshua Tree was open, so we entered and had a couple of pints of ale, Green King IPA to be specific. By this time it was around 5pm and we were very hungry so we trekked down to The Gulab Garden and had a curry. I was home by 7pm and I did a bit of weight training, listened to some music, watched 24 and then went to bed. A full day of activity if ever there was one.

This morning I hadn't learnt my lesson at all. I was all ready to leave in plenty of time to walk into work, I'd even made some sandwiches, when I thought it would be nice to have some toast. So, I had some toast and by this time I only had 20 minutes to get into work. I then decided that it was too icy to walk and I'd give the car a go, bit of a mistake. Just because I'd had some toast and then convinced myself walking was a bad idea. I had made a silly thought process.

This time I made it round the corner and promptly became stuck. Every time I tried to pull away I just slid towards a parked car and was unable to go forward at all. I tried for a few minutes before a passer by suggested I reverse before I hit the parked car. So, I slowly reversed and managed to park up on the side. A woman in a 4x4 who had been waiting for me to perform this maneuver wound her window down to talk to me and before she could say anything I said "this is crazy, I'm going to walk". She smiled and said "that's a good idea".

This is how far I got before I was forced to abandon ship:

Before setting off a pied, I popped back home to get my portable DAB radio. Whilst in the house I also put my sandwiches down and then promptly forgot to take them back out with me. I didn't realize until I'd been walking for five minutes that I'd forgotten them. I said "oh fuck it" out loud and just carried on. It was just the icing on the cake really. I then tractored on through the ice and snow in my new walking boots (a God send in these conditions, I tell thee), here is my route in:

I was half an hour late in again, but no one really cares about that. As long as you make it into work, it's all good. That seems to be the attitude with so many people using the weather as an excuse to have a day off. Why didn't I think of that? I must be mad. Anyway, they put on a fry up at work so I have proper stuffed myself. So far today I've eaten and drank:

A pint of water
A Multibionta vitamin pill
Two pieces of marmite on toast,
A coffee and a ginger nut
A fry up consisting of two fried eggs, two slices of toast, two sausages and two hash browns
A hot chocolate
A Twix
An effervescent multivitamin drink
An Innocent strawberry & banana smoothie

I think I'm going to give lunch a miss as I'm quite full. Although having said that I have already cycled 18 km on my exercise bike and walked 1.8 miles into work through the snow, so I believe I am sustained in eating so much so far today. I will eat like a king this evening, I have decreed it.