Last weekend I went out with Tash to Homebase and got a Flymo. They are my favorite mowers, yes way- Flymo. In addition to this I purchased a bottle of Teak Oil and a brush which set me back £3.99, what a cuss. During the time in Homebase I became veritably parched and thus decided to go to Morrisons on the way home to purchase some fizzy pop which I would then have with ice when I got home. I got some Tango and some Diet Pepsi, that is all.

When I got home I decided that I would begin work on the garden. I have (to date) been to the dump twice now with a car load of garden waste. What has happened is this, I have decided I don't like what the people before us did in my garden and so I am systematically destroying everything they did and starting afresh. There are a few plants they implemented during their reign at Shire Place which have survived but other than that their legacy has been demolished. This makes me happy.

During Monday's gardening pulverization I broke my spade in half. Tash was sitting inside watching TV, so I grabbed the two parts of the broken spade and took them to her. "I don't even know my own strength!" I said as I gestured with the spade segments. Her response was one of vague fascination with what had happened, but nothing more. I have since been back to Homebase and bought myself a new spade, it retailed in at £19.99 and it is a magnificent beast.

I have been using my new spade now for a couple of days now and I am delighted with it. The one problem I have encountered is that of where to deposit all the earth that I have been excavating. I think I'm just going to systematically fill bags with earth and then take these bags to the dump, thus removing them completely from my vicinity. I've had a brief check about on the internet and I think I can get some fairly splendid patio slabs to fill the area (210cm by 180cm give or take) for around a ton (£100 English notes).

In the afternoon on Monday I sat outside and teak oiled the garden furniture, it looks so much better now. I have nourished the wood that is my garden furniture. I kept telling Tash to look at it. "Why do you keep telling me this, I've already seen it", she would say. I had to though; it just looks so much better now it's been teaked.

My latest idea is to buy a rather large pot and dig up the bamboo at the bottom of the garden. I will then shift the bamboo into the pot; this can then be placed on the patio when it is ready. I don't know whether this is feasible, but I'm going to give it my best shot. Best of British to me, that's what I say. I shall be spending the majority of this week digging away in the garden like a real trooper, the only interruption will be going to see Sean Locke at Hammersmith Apollo on Saturday evening. I must stipulate that this is the only activity other than digging that I have planned. I am actually relishing this.

Now then, last Friday (one week ago hence) I went to the Tesco in Gatwick, this is one of those little bastards that's open 24 hours. I went at 11pm and I was really tired, I had also just had a bath and I'd just let my hair dry into a big fuzz ball atop my bonce, I thus looked like a right old state. When scouring for those little party sausage rolls in the frozen foods section I left my trolley by the frozen peas. I couldn't find any so I went and got my trolley and carried on. Then this woman came running up behind me. "You've got my trolley", she said to me. I looked down and realized that I had indeed got the wrong trolley. "Oh yeah I just noticed" I said, and I gave her back her shopping trolley. We both laughed and I went and got the correct trolley. What made it worse was the fact that her trolley was one of those big ones, whereas mine was just a small one. Well, I can't tell you how annoyed I was.

Now for the science. On Monday, when I was gardening, Ging was in his garden and I could bloody well see him to boot. He was resurfacing his shed roof. I decided that I would throw a lump of earth at him and see what happened, nothing happened although there was quite a thud. Here is the email conversation that ensued the following day:

Me: "When you were working on your shed, did you hear a lump of earth hit the fence?"
Ging: "There was something at one point, I thought a weed had appeared at my foot- Dooz was standing next to me and didn't know what I was talking about when I said, "what was that?" - I thought I have imagined it"
Me: "Oh quality, it was a lump of earth with some grass on it. I heard it hit but couldn't gauge any reaction from you or Dooz."
Ging: "Looks like the neighboring territories of Ging and Milton are at war"