Steven Paul Allen's Stories of Woe

Here’s what I’ve been doing. Normally when I visit the toilet at work I take my mobile phone with me and have a little game on Quadrapop. However recently I have become a bit despondent with Quadrapop. My workaround for this particular quandary is to go on Wikipedia before setting off to the toilet and print off something interesting to take in with me. I pick it up from the copier on my way through. In doing this I last week read the whole David Bowie section of Wikipedia and today I have read about hippos. It was really interesting; my favourite fact was that hippos have 4cm thick skin that is bullet-proof. It’s their lifestyle choice.

Now for the science.

When making a hot chocolate I will fill a mug up almost to the top with full fat milk. I then place this mug into the microwave on the highest setting for two to three minutes. Once the mug has completed its cycle in the microwave I will retract the mug and add two heaped teaspoons of Uncle Joe Royle’s Cadburys Original Drinking Chocolateand stir it in like a man possessed. I have discovered that this will cause any milk skin that may have formed during the microwaving process to disintegrate into an undetectable non event. I then top up with a splash of milk, just to take the edge off it, and settle down in bed to an episode of Charlie Chalk.

We have the standard biros at work, oh yeah. Look like this they do:

Anyway my point is this, what I do is gently bite the end of the pen until I hear a little crack and then just repeat this until the end of the biro has turned white. By this time is it so brittle that you can just snap the end of without even trying.

This happened today. It’s the first time I’ve done it for ages, but I was so bored in training that I just couldn’t help myself. Once I’d snapped the end off I got the little bit of plastic from the end of the Bic and sucked it so that it stuck to my tongue.

Intro Music coupled with a stop motion video of David cooking kebabs over hot coals:

Episode One
David hires a car with a mega phone on top of it... he visits London town and shouts out random lines from ‘Let's Dance’ and ‘Modern Love’ whilst driving around like a madman.

Episode Two
David starts work in a bakery and writes song lyrics on the paper bags that the bread gets delivered in.

Episode Three
David Bowie walks the streets and hands out wholemeal baguettes to the homeless. The baguettes contain nourishing egg and bacon and a little note of encouragement such as:
“Cheer up, chum”
“Stay off the crack”
“It’s a good awful small affair”
“Put another log on the fire for me”
“Take your protein pills”
“Ch-ch-ch-changes”
“I’m off to Bermuda for my holidays and they call me mad”
He does not add mayonnaise to the baguette because he is not a cruel man.

Episode Four
David draws pictures of himself on the pavement using chalk and then proclaims to the whole world what he has done using high powered busking equipment.

Episode Five
Mister Bowie meets with Sir David Attenborough and talks him through his CD & record collection.

Episode Six
David Bowie fills his saxophone full of dolly mixtures so that when he plays they are sprayed out all over the place. He does this in impoverished areas.

Music for end credits:

In the interests of further developing the human race, I have decided to let everyone in on my diet during the week days of our calendar year:

8.15 Start the day with a nice bit of hot chocolate
8.30 Cocopops or Frosties bar
9.30 Jam on toast (two toast)
11.00 Have a banana
13.00 Eat ham and cheese sammys
14.00 Apple time
16.30 Have a banana or Cocopops bar or Frosties bar
18.00 Any of the following: curry, pasta & cheese, chicken & chips, steak with chips/ pasta, roast dinner.

Weekends are a bit different. For example last Sunday I had apple pie and custard followed by a healthy batch of cookie dough after my roast luncheon. After a dinner of sausage rolls, chicken goujons and cheese wrapped in bacon I demolished half a toffee pavlova. It is for this reason that I can not publish my weekend diet as it really is as unpredictable as the wind.

Driving into work today I managed to get behind the grand total of two people who had a 'baby on board' plaque suckered onto their back windscreen. Now, as far as my driving was concerned nothing changed having read their little sign. In fact one of these poor misguided fools changed lanes at one point causing me to have to brake. Baby on board moron, I said to myself. As I chugged past them I decided to have a good look and see what an idiot looked like. It was no surprise to me whatsoever that the woman was wearing a bodywarmer and had a haircut like Yvette Fielding.

Anyway this got me thinking that if they can proclaim the existence of a baby in their car, why shouldn't I follow suit with some of my own little announcements (on signs that are displayed on my back windscreen)...

'Map in Door Pocket'
'Receipt in Ash Tray'
'Screen Wipes on Dash'
'De-icer Under Seat'
'Jump Leads in Boot'
'Manual in Glove Box'
'Cocopops Wrapper on Passenger Seat'

Bit of a strange one this. Just went to get my first round of sandwiches from my tin foil wrap up, and have discovered that I have made one triple decker round of sandwiches and one slice of bread. This has shocked me to my very core, so I have drawn a little diagram to find out just exactly how I could make such a silly error.

As you can see I made the error in step 4 by buttering the top of the sandwich round I had just made, instead of removing that sandwich round from the plate and buttering the slice underneath it. I had no idea I had done this until just now when I opened my tin foil package. I would like to point out that I did do the decent thing and cut them in half diagonally.

The lone slice was eaten just as it was.

A little while ago we used to have a table football table at work, Brain, David and myself used to go down and play each other during breaks and sometimes at luncheon. We got quite good and devised an excel spreadsheet in which to keep the scores. Below are some of the comments left on said spreadsheet after the results:

03/11/05; Steve 8 Brian 4
Brian Forfeits, he's 'had enough, it's ridiculous'

04/11/05; Steve 10 Brain 8
Brian was winning 3 - 8, comeback king strikes again

08/11/05; Steve 10 David 0
The most astonishingly unbelievably FUCKING lucky game Steve has ever won. He will pay. He will pay DEARLY. He may even die because I want to kill someone right now

09/11/05; David 10 Brain 8
The winning goal was quite awesome. I swear there was smoke left where it scorched from my goalkeeper all the way through at a most disgustingly rapid speed. 'Le Bullet' as they say.

09/11/05; Steve 10 Brain 6
''A gift from the heavens', my style of play encourages it

10/11/05; David 8 Brain 4
Brian forfeits, this time he's 'feels like things could get dangerous, it's ridiculous'

14/11/05; Steve 10 David 1
An outstanding display of goalkeeping. It is claimed the game doesn't count as I was using black magic

15/11/05; Steve 10 David 9
David winning 6-0 at one point. Amazing comeback leaves a disgruntled David threatening retirement

16/11/05; Steve 10 David 9
Another breathtaking comeback. Really takes the wind out of David's sails

16/11/05; Steve 10 David 0
He's a broken man! Ha ha ha!

24/11/05; David 10 Brian 9
David comes back from 7 - 9 down with 3 amazing goals. Brian looks dejected

25/11/05; David 10 Brain 9
David comes back from 7 - 9 AGAIN!!

25/11/05; David 10 Brian 1
8-0 up and looking for his maiden 'ten-niller', David concedes a stupid goal. However, worse was to come….

25/11/05; David 9 Brian 10
Again allowing himself to fall 9-7 down, this time Brian managed to hammer home the winner with a fine strike from the midfield. David's 16 game unbeaten streak against Brian has come to an end.

25/11/05; David 10 Brian 8
Brian threatens to throw the ball down the lift shaft. I diffuse the situation expertly, by suggesting Brian takes control of the red players next time.

29/11/05; David 10 Brian 6
Brian just couldn't handle it. Well I say, if you can't take the heat, get out of the kitchen. Well, canteen anyway…

30/11/05; David 10 Brian 8
Brian found himself 8 - 6 up, but clearly didn't have a head for heights. So I sent him back down. 10 - 8. COME ON!!!

06/12/05; David 7 Brian 10
As shocks go, this has to be amongst the biggest. Law of averages says it had to happen at some point, but all it does is strengthen my desire to never lose to Brian again. I'm going to 10-0 him again this week now.
Perhaps I should make it clear, I'm not bitter about losing. It happens to everyone at some point. I just intend to come back stronger and learn from the experience. I wish to continue my development to the highest achievable level, and I will no doubt suffer setbacks along the way...

06/12/05; Steve 10 David 9
Nail biting.

06/12/05; David 10 Brian 6
Brian scored a magnificent lob but sadly (snigger) it wasn't enough.

07/12/05; Steve 6 David 10
David 8-0 up, Steve didn't look like scoring, but then we gained an unwelcome audience. With Steve scoring 6 goals, I made it clear the guest was unwelcome - "You can leave you know" I think were the exact words. It must have fired me up a bit because I managed to close out the match, but having held an 8-0 lead, I can't help but feel this was an opportunity missed...

08/12/05; David 8 Brain 10
If there are complaints of Canteen staff receiving abusive language, then I apologise.

09/12/05; Steve 10 David 9
At 9-8 to David, Steve's GK somehow kept out a great shot, tipping it wide. DF picked it up and sent it straight back and in for 9-9, before getting the 10th. Cheated.

12/12/05; David 10 Brian 4
Sadly, this was to be the only game today as Steve and Brian were acting very gay and actually doing WORK!

19/12/05; Steve 8 David 10
Can't believe them twats came and stood right next to us. I was 8 - 1 up! Wankers. Going to sit on the table next time they're playing…

20/12/05; Steve 10 Brain 0
This win gives Steve Der mad Stamper the official title of 'King of the Ten Nils'. That's 4 official 10 nil thumpings dealt out now- honours even between Dave and Brian. Sometimes these people just need to be taught a sever lesson, it's my duty to dish it out. Boom boom boom, let me hear you say wey oh.... 'Way oh'.

22/12/05; David 10 Steve 9
Controversy as Steve accuses David of gamesmanship - trailing at 7-9, David greets a fan. Waiting a sportsmanlike few seconds before continuing with the game, he then shoots a great goal from defence, before adding 2 more to take the game. Steve cries foul but he just doesn't like losing. Who does?

22/12/05; David 10 Brian 9
David 6-0 up. Brian scores, deflating David. Nothing to play for now… However, Brian goes on an unbelievably lucky goal scoring spree to edge AHEAD at 9-8. I recover to close out the game. But I'm not happy, far from it….

23/12/05; David 10 Brian 1
A great way to end the year. Also this game witnessed the first shot rebounded off the bar! Brian's striker missed a gaping empty net to slam a shot against the bar, which didn't then bounce in the goal. Talk about unlucky…

04/01/06; David 10 Brian 9
Was 2-7 and 5-9 down, but this win for David has caused Brian much pain and anger, and he said he's not playing anymore…. I do hope it’s an empty threat….

06/01/06; David 10 Brian 4
Brian has asked me not to record this score as he has retired from the league. His request will be deliberated over by the panel once all League members have returned from holiday. This will hopefully enable Steve and myself to convince Brian to return to the game he once loved. Maybe we can start the league again on Monday, I don't know. Don't particularly want to because I've started well, but sacrifices need to be made sometimes...

06/01/06; David 9 Brian 2
Brian retired from this friendly at this score. However, he did not mention until midway through that it was a friendly. One for the panel methinks….

10/01/06; Steve 10 David 5
Just coz she's dances go go, that don't make her a hoe no. 2 wins in a row… I'm going to the disco!

11/01/06; Steve 10 David 4
Cruising at 7-2, I couldn't help but smile.

11/01/06; Steve 10 David 8
… And David decides to cave in the filing cabinets. Final goal taken with considerable prowess, probably goal of the season already.

12/01/06; Steve 1 David 10
Steve the victim of a light in the face in the afternoon game.

Unfortunately one day we came into work to discover that the table had been slung in a skip because the cleaners were moving it and damaged one of the legs. This was a sorry day. I still think it was a conspiracy by the canteen staff because they couldn’t stand all the cheering and noise.

I tell you what really gets my goat, or my 'gander up' if you will. It's a particular thing that happens when you boil milk in a microwave. I will set the scene for you. I've come in from the garage and it's cold out so I think 'oh yeah I'll have a hot chocolate'. So I pop a mug of milk in the microwave on the high setting and wait for three minutes. When the mug of milk is removed from the microwave I look down at it and there is a horrible milk skin that has developed on the surface. This is the stuff that rubs me up the wrong way, or 'gets my gander up' if you will.

How do you prevent this phenomenon of milk skin occurring? If you don't remove it before stirring in the hot chocolate powder you are in for a nasty shock at some point during your supping of the drink, that much I am certain of.

I am slowly breaking down the molecular structure of a small portion of Blu Tack that I have been kneading since Christmas. When rolled into a sphere the Blu Tack is smaller than a pea, but bigger than a ball bearing. Thus, Blu Tack > Ball Bearing and Blu Tack < Pea. I hope this gives you some idea of the sort of scales we're talking about here. If I take my pencil and use it like a rolling pin on the Blue Tack I can flatten the blue stuff to roughly 2cm by 2cm. whilst the Tack is rolled out on my desk I find it fun to pummel it using the flat end of a pencil.
When rolled consistently between my forefinger and thumb it doesn't take long for the Blu Tack to become sticky. Once warm enough it goes all weird and starts to deposit small amounts of Blu Tack residue on your fingers and go a bit furry. I find it best at this point to roll it between two pieces of paper and really have a go at the molecular structure of the Tack. To prolong the agony for the Tack I will eventually cease my continual and persistent kneading and allow it to cool. Then five minutes later I'm at it again. I just can't get enough of it.
Also, when the Blu Tack has become malleable to a very high degree it is possible to spread it across a hard surface like it is Dairylea or something.

1. What does ‘deciduous’ mean?
2. What are cubricks?
3. What's the combination to text your name using predictive text
4. Who is John Salako?
5. How much did Tommy P pay to have his locks changed on 22nd December 2006?
6. Who sung ‘Stand by me’?
7. Who won Olympic gold in pentathlon in Athens?
8. How much Nectar points do you earn per pound in Beefeater?
9. Why 5?
10. What is pentathlon’s fan base?
11. Who are Nottingham Forest's biggest enemy?
12. What is Paul McCartney's Christmas based hit?
13. When was the whale in the Thames?
14. Have you got work tomorrow?
15. Who is 15 Peter 20?
16. What's in Jon Boag's boot?
17. Name 10 different brands of beer.
18. Do you like food?
19. What number is at 3 o'clock on a dart board?
20. Describe the appearance of Wizbit.
21. What's the best punctuation?
22. What's in your boot?
23. What's your IP address?
24. What is proggy?
25. What's the difference between ham and bacon?

I started watching series 5 of 24 yesterday night whilst in bed. First episode was well no way... excitement city. Actually at the end of it the adrenaline was really going and I had to work off the extra energy by going mental on my hand grips and then laughing like a madman. I had to watch the second episode because I was so bloody chuffed at the first, I just couldn’t help it. By the time it finished it was 12.30am and I decided it was too late to start another so I put Hed Kandi Winter Chill on repeat and drifted off to sleep.

Yesterday I ran out of Palmolive shower gel. This morning I was therefore faced with a dilemma, soap or Radox Muscle Soak Herbal Bath. I choose to pour a small amount of the Radox option into my palm and proceeded to lather up, in an identical way that I would with regular run of the mill shower gel. Is that wrong?

Was rather pleased last night when I got home to discover that lovefilm had been rather efficient and delivered my next DVD rental. The delivered disk was The Private Life of plants disk 1, so that took care of my viewing for the evening. Into the garage I went with my DVD and put it on 'play all', three episodes of Sir David and his plants back to back. A quite magnificent way to spend two and a half hours of ones life, I'm sure you'll agree. Of course I cycled 35 km whilst enjoying the televisual feast, interspersed with press ups and some weight training, of course.

Now, before entering the garage I thought it prudent to carry out a little clean up operation on my computer. You see, I am one of these people who saves everything onto the desktop which after a while makes things look very untidy and difficult to find. So, what I did was go through it all and organise it into folders; then I set the blighter off on a disk drive defragmentation exercise. It was only after I had set the computer off that I went into the garage. That's right.

After finishing in the garage I made myself a hot chocolate with full fat milk, just over three minutes on the highest setting in the microwave created a piping hot beverage. I took it upstairs and got into bed. At the moment I've got two duvets, this is because on Monday my feet were so cold I had to wear socks in bed. This is, of course, unacceptable, so I took the appropriate steps and secured myself an extra duvet. Job done. By this time it was about 11pm, a bit early to go to sleep so I watched a couple of episodes of Alias season 5 which is bloody great.

I turned off the terrestrial televisions set at 12.30 and put a few David Bowie songs on repeat to go to sleep to. This way they will be subliminally be implanted into my mind. Good. This morning I posted the Private Life Of Plants back to lovefilm, I get two rentals at a time and am hoping the next disk will be delivered tomorrow. You see, I tend to watch what they send me straight away and post it back the next morning, it's quite a nice little system and means I can get over ten rentals a month out of them.

I got a bit of a treat yesterday when I discovered that my David Bowie CD and headphones had been delivered to work. This does however leave me somewhat dejected about the whereabouts of the Charlie Chalk DVD.

I have just eaten a banana; it was well rancid covered in bruises. I threw the bottom quarter of it away, what a rotter.

Today it took me an hour to get into work, not too bad considering the snow. I didn't really mind, I like looking at the trees with snow nestled on their branches. I had the heaters on full blast on my feet and every so often opened the windows for a bit of fresh air, it was splendid. Also, I really wanted to wear tennis rackets on the bottoms of my shoes and wrap my tyres in chains this morning. When I got to work I skidded into my parking space, I actually forwarded and reversed into it a few times just because I wanted to, and to get a feel for it.

Today I have been reading on the internet about the scavengers of that shipwreck in Devon, some of the antics these people get up to does amuse me. I also had a good read about the travel disruptions. Last Thursday I had to go into London, it had to be the one day that gale force winds were causing all manner of difficulties on the trains. I ended up standing on the platform at Purley Oaks for an hour, didn't get home till 8pm. Thanks a lot National Rail, thanks for nothing.

I don't quite know why DVD's have to have menu music. If you fall asleep whilst watching a DVD you can henceforth be subliminally implanted with repeated DVD menu music. I woke up at 1am the other night with The Planet Earth music playing over and over into my head. It is this sort of behaviour that makes people get infected with songs they don't even like. Personally I find it fun; I don't even know why I'm complaining.

Earlier today the bank rang me up and left me a message to give them a tinkle. I thought it sounded like a good laugh so I rang them back and discovered that my card has been cloned. They had picked up on it pretty sharpish, the cheeky tykes. Here is what they told me:

1. Last week a 52p purchase had been processed over the internet
2. Yesterday some fool spend £40 over the internet on a petroleum website

Well, I can't tell you how annoyed I was. For starters I never even knew you could buy petroleum gasoline over the web. I informed the woman on the phone that these purchases were nothing to do with me. She said the charges will not be billed to me and instructed me that she would cancel my card and send me out a new one as a matter of urgency. I was also told to destroy my old card with immediate effect, which I haven't done. No, I will not do as I'm told. It says there are no tools kept in the van over night.... but there are tools stored in the van over night, they'll never know.

I don't know how these cloners got my details but I'd like to jolly well know. The most irritating thing about it is that I will have to update my new card details on my internet subscriptions. What a cuss. I am now on issue number seven, this must be some sort of record.

It wasn't DVD menu music, but I was subliminally implanted with The Mull Of Kintyre one night about three years ago. I passed out in my bed and The Mull Of Kintyre was put on my stereo at quite a volume. I had it pumped into my head till 11am the next morning. It was only after this incident that the thought of singing The Mull Of Kintyre at a karaoke night dawned on me.

Right, now then, see what happened on Friday was that I went and did a little bit of shopping on Amazon. Alright, the reason for this was that I had rather stupendously earned myself a £5 voucher for Amazon by doing surveys on valuedopinions.com. I have rather craftily been getting paid whilst at work for filling in surveys on the sly. Now, what I brought from Amazon totalled just £15 after I had used my voucher. Here's what I procured:

The Charlie Chalk DVD came in at a fiver as did David Bowie's Earthling CD. The headphones set me back a whopping £10, but they are the old style ones which are the best, as they stay in your ear and don't fall out all the time like the earbud ones (pictured below).

Having checked my hotmail today (miltonfairweather@hotmail.com) I see that Charlie Chalk and the headphones were posted out on Saturday. I expect to receive these by Wednesday at the latest. I can't wait. I am yet to receive an update on the status of my David Bowie CD dispatch.

I went to Brighton this weekend and stayed in a B&B near the aquarium. We were supposed to meet at the Marina at 5pm. Claiming to know where the Marina was I marched us off in the wrong direction for 20 mins, walking into the wind. Eventually we passed the epicentre of Brighton and Tash decided to ask someone where the marina was. When they told her it was 2 miles in the opposite direction she decided to flag down a cab, I just stood there. Well, once in the cab I couldn't help but laugh, Tash said it wasn't funny.

Now, this post is all about nice cold milk. For, on Sunday morning I had a strawberry milkshake, one of the best I've ever sampled. It was purchased in a cafe and was of the Crusha variety, if memory serves. Served in a frosted glass with a straw, it was bloody decadent. I would dearly like another please. After this milkshake bonanza I had a crepe with chocolate sauce and aerosol cream, I made a bit of a mess with it and was happy to do so. This is because of the benefit I drew from the crepe in terms of taste and fun.

Yesterday I spent the obligatory minimum of two hours watching David Attenborough proggys. First up was the second part of the wildebeest migration followed by a rather interesting proggy about climate change. All in all I give this televisual feat a score of 10/10. Boulder cam doubled up as a lion walker and the hippos went mad when the wildebeest got in the water with them. Quite unexpected.

Today I am at work again and it is quite possibly the dullest day I have ever experienced, we use the Oracle system and I want it to crash and cause the company to loose a billion pounds. I want more milk and I want it now. I love Crusha. When I get home I'm having a milkshake god dam it and then I'm going to go in the garage. Later on I may well begin work on a little project I am going to call 'Aardvark eats Gopher'.

Topics I Wish to Discuss at Great Lengths

1. Butter
2. David Bowie
3. Gnomes
4. Peanuts
5. City Slickers
6. Mondo
7. Octane Ratings
8. Patrick Moore
9. Hard Water
10. David Attenborough

For lunch today I had three sausages, one fried egg and some chips. I ate this food with Monty Christo Beach and two old ladies joined us. They were not invited but nevertheless came and sat on our table. Covertly Monty Christo Beach and myself spoke in code of how odd these two old ladies were. They were listening in, the old pros. One of them had a glass of wine and the other had half a lager. I on the other hand had a small lemonade, no ice, no lemon slice.

Hello Everyone

Yesterday I took the time to take in three more episodes of 'Planet Earth' with my favourite narrator of all time, Sir David Attenborough. I watched the following episodes: 'Freshwater', 'Caves' and 'Deserts'. It was in this order that I watched the miracles of the natural world unfold in front on me on my terrestrial television set.

What happened was quite simple really, all things considered. Here is my Monday evening schedule:

6.00
Arrive Home

6.20
Had a chicken madras curry. This is followed by the viewing of the 'Food' episode of 'Look Around You 2'.

7.40
Retire to garage and cycle for an hour whilst watching 'Planet Earth'- 'Freshwater'.

8.40
Freshwater finishes and I put on 'Planet Earth'- 'Caves'. During this time I intersperse my cycling fits with sit ups and weights.

9.40
Caves finishes and I make my way back into the epicentre of the house. I run myself a deep bath and lie in it for half an hour whilst reading 'The World of Karl Pilkington' by 'Karl Pilkington'.

10.30
Get into bed and shove on 'Planet Earth'- 'Deserts'. Upon completion of this insight into deserts, displayed via the magic of my terrestrial television, I went to sleep.

I bid you all adieu.

I spent yesterday chilling out with Sir David. It started innocently enough. Blue Planet was on UKTV History Plus One, so I watched a couple of episodes. That's okay isn't it, I thought. My luncheon was roast chicken followed by a slice of Sara Lee and some Cookie Dough ice cream. I do find Cookie Dough is the best, it’s my favourite.

Approximately one hour after luncheon I made my way into the garage with my Planet Earth DVD. I then proceeded to watch Seasonal Forests, From Pole to Pole and finally Mountains. During this David Attenborough extravaganza I sat on my exercise bike and peddled. Actually I did interject this activity with occasional sets of press ups, sit ups and other weight based exercises. The whole experience lasted 3 hours and by the end of it I was so hungry I had some scramby eggs and polished off the Cookie Dough.

I then went upstairs and sat on my rug. I was very pleased when I discovered that Sir David was narrating a proggy on BBC1 at 8pm charting the migratory patterns of the wildebeest. It was very enjoyable, thanks for asking.

On Saturday I went out for a meal in a restaurant. This was an evening activity. During the meal I realised that people no longer wear ear muffs. Tash claims to still have some ear muffs, she's going to dig them out. My fillet steak was done real lovely and the chocolate brownie sundae was a joy. Only bug bear I did have was that the brownies were located right down at the base of the sundae, I would really have preferred them to be evenly scattered throughout the sundae. The very top of the sundae was crowned with some of that cream you get out of a squirty can. I love that stuff. I like to get a can of it and squirt it directly into my mouth.

Back to Sunday now. After watching the wildebeest proggy I got my dad's entire David Bowie CD's and made mp3's of the lot of them. I then put them onto my mp3 player so I could listen to them in my car. Then, this morning I did indeed play them in my car, at full volume. I think I might have found it a bit odd, which in turn wound me up a veritable treat. By the time I got into work I was really hyped up and did loads of work until the Bowie effect ran out, circa 11am. To compensate for this loss I had an apple.

Was in the garage on my exercise bike, watching Without a Trace, the other day when the little mouse scuttled across the floor and under the television. Well, it was a pleasing moment for sure. It was weird, at first I didn't register it was the mouse and I got startled. When I realised it was the mouse I was happy and tried to beckon the little mouse out by saying hello in a high pitched voice.

Today I had cheese and marmite sandwiches with bread cut from my own fair hand off a loaf. It's quite simple really, the reason for my employing such underhand methods regarding the usage of bread. Yes, what has happened is that I ran out of the pre sliced variety. It's such a shame, but over the weekend pre sliced bread will be purchased and frozen for the very purpose of making sammys. Also ham is out in the household, so marmite was used as a suitable alternative. Once again, wafer thin turkey ham will be procured over the weekend, in order that my sammys can be made in the proper manner of ham and cheese next week. Actually, packed lunches are the best.

Tonight I will be watching Arrested Development season 3. I can heartily recommend this TV series to all and sundry as it is bloody hilarious and I like it. I would also dearly love you all to know that I have been watching my Planet Earth DVD's this week with David Attenborough. So far I have watched Ice Worlds and Rain Forests. Seen them before when they were aired on terrestrial TV, of course, but I simply can't get enough of Sir David. He is my friend.

This year I have paid for one breakfast and just walked clean away with three. I'm up about £2 on the suckers. This should help to pay for my fry up tomorrow, the first of the year. That is if I don't managed to stroll out without paying for it. In which case I'll be £4.32 up on the silly berks.

Yesterday the car park was absolutley chocka. I went out at lunchtime to buy some shaving foam and have my haircut. The shaving foam I purchased was palmolive by brand and set me back a hefty £0.99. It was Yousef who cut my hair at a charge of £10.50, being the generous soul I am I gave him £12. It was a good haircut and I felt that the tip of £1.50 had been well earned by Yousef. Hello young man. Now for the science, on Tuesday I purchased a Victorian Straight Bathroom Door Handle Set from e-hardware.com, the overall cost of this transaction was £17.77. Chumley.

On my way back from the haircut I was indeed fearful that parking would be 'an issue'. It bloody well was an issue as well. I had to drive past my favourite spaces and go up a level; even then I was lucky to locate a valid space. It ment a longer walk into the office and hampered my timings for my get away at 5.30pm.

Despite this quite stupid situation I was still home before 6pm, a feat of relative excellence. Today I have managed to park, and thus nestle, in my favourite area of the car park. Well, get to work 10 minutes early and you will get to pick and choose a little bit. That is my tip of the day. Fact.

Frogmen live on fish and catch them by diving onto them from a great height.

Was driving home yesterday, going along the main road. Not unusual in itself. However, this berk decided to pull out of a turning forcing me to break, I nearly crashed into the berk. I beeped my horn but this time there was to be no shouting, nor did the situation cause me to become irate... hell no.
The reason for this is really very simple indeed. I was in full flow listening and singing along to this little ditty at full volume:

Went up into London on Friday to visit the Natural history Museum, film 4 is free now? It was marvellous, rekindled my affiliation with stuffed animals and dinosaur bones. We even sat in on a Q & A session regarding lichens with Pat and her assistant, quite the comedy double act.

Now, the reason i write with such amazing tales is quite simple. After visiting the Natural History Museum we went and had a pizza at a restaurant called 'Pizza Organic'. Not unusual in itself until I disclose that I was in rather a need of a number two. Thus I paraded off to the men's room like some sort of Bertie Bassett. Upon entering the room this kid was standing within the doorframe of the cubric preparing to leave the oasis. Once he was out of the way I entered the cubric only to discover the entire seat of the bowl covered in an ocean of piss. Just bloody convenient isn't it? Well, I can't tell you how annoyed I was, and to think that little sod got away with it Scott free! The seat was in such a state I decided to 'leave it for now', and just had a polite wee wee. I actually saved myself until the train ride home which I thought was quite an achievement considering we trundled round the Tate Modern and visited the shops after the pizza.

Just to let you know in light of the visit to the Natural History Museum I thought it apt to purchase the Jurassic Park trilogy. On Saturday I watched Jurassic Park 3 and yesterday I watched Jurassic Park 2. Doing them in reverse chronological order, see.

Hey Matthew by Karel Fialka is on Now 10.

Good day, this is a quiz that came into fruition central on new Years Eve:

1. What is an epidural?
2. Where is Port Vale?
3. How big is Port Vale’s fan base?
4. How big is Leyton Orient’s fan base?
5. What is the GDP per capita in Mexico?
6. GM Foods- Speak for one minute.
7. Name that tune.
8. Who baptised Christ?
9. Why does onion make you cry?
10. How many cans of red bull does it take to wake a coma victim?
11. Say ‘hello’ in ten languages.
12. Is it possible for an opera singer to break a glass through singing?
13. Who played Sybil Fawlty?
14. Which country boasts the most coast line?
15. The first scene in Eastenders was of Arthur Fowler and co finding a dead body. Who was the corpse?
16. Name a player in the Crawley Town football team.
17. Which shop occupies unit 4 in the Belfrey Shopping Centre?
18. What’s in your boot?
19. Describe the three different HD modes in television.
20. What vitamins play an essential role in the male reproductive system and why?
21. Describe, using the format of voice, how V Look Up works in excel.
22. Kennedy- dead or alive?
23. How old is Bill Wyman?
24. In 1972 President Nixon was disgraced by which scandal and why?
25. Why in the 1987 version of Trivial Persuit is Australia regarded as its own continent?
26. What day of the week was 1st January 2001?
27. What is the opposite of off?
28. Do you know Doddy?
29. How would you pass a drugs test at a mainline London railway station?
30. Who did Des O’Conner play for?
31. What is the most commonly used collective noun for gorillas, and where does it come from?
32. What do you prefer: Father Christmas or Santa Claus?
33. Babybel?
34. What’s the chemical used in fire extinguishers that can get one high when sniffed?
35. How do you make an Eskimo roll?
36. What shape is the Tibetan fox’s head?
37. What do you think of David Bowie?
38. Name ten songs sung by the man Bowie.
39. Truth or Dare?
40. What’s the special test?
41. What is your favourite toast topping?
42. Antz or Bugs?
43. Where do ducks swim?
44. What beats ‘cock’ in ‘cock, muff, bumhole’?
45. What do you call an insect from outer space?
46. What’s the call back number?
47. How do you get wax off your clothes?
48. Name a Dutch wine.
49. What’s the chemical symbol for water?
50. Can we have your best Manuel from Fawlty Towers impression?