Steven Paul Allen's Stories of Woe

This morning when I left for work I reversed up the drive way into my road, slipped the beauty into first and set about accelerating down towards the first T junction. Upon looking into my rear view mirror to enjoy the vista I noticed a bright yellow MG tailing me. Not exactly eyebrow raising in itself, until I tell you that the very same car was caught behind me yesterday! Well, I can't tell you how annoyed I was.

At precisely 11.11am today I opened a 35g bag of salt 'n' vinegar McCoys, these took precisely 2 mins 52 secs to consume. I stopped the timer once I had swallowed the last mouthful.

Just as an aside... Today I noticed that although Special K and Cornflakes both come in identically sized boxes you get 35g of Special K as opposed to 30g of Cornflakes. I have deduced from this that Special K flakes are indeed denser than Cornflakes flakes.

And finally, the canteen was unmanned today and as a consequence I didn't pay for my strawberry jam on toast. I also pocketed a twirl, mars delight and a packet of munchies Free of Charge.

You are in a group of people. You hand out some sweets. Everyone accepts except for one person.In this instance you should turn around to them and say, 'you're the opposite of lovejoy'. After they have considered this just say 'killjoy', and carry on as per.

In light of my dream last night I have been and had me barnet chopped.
I then went to subway and had what they term a 'foot long melt', at £4.50 a rip off and will not be going back. Plus, of course when you pay at the til you are forced to use their stupid terminology when asked what it is you've ordered. It's degrading.

If you put a ball of burning elastic bands into someone's hand it would stick to it and melt around the hand. Once sufficently cooled, thatsomeone's hand would be cocooned in rubber from bands.

I had a dream this morning that I was at a hairdressers in an imaginary town. The hairdressers (or barbers to be a stickler for the rules) was in a parade of shops. I can confirm this parade of shops did have a fish and chippy (thank goodness). I was indeed waiting to have my haircut and when it was my turn i elected to have a grade
two round the 'back and sides', but I specified that I only wanted this to go just above my ear. Thankyou. Proggy is a froggy.

I have eaten a banana.

I began eating the fruit at 12 noon. After approximately 13 seconds I had peeled the delicious goody separating the peel into four equally sized strips. A further 3 mins elapsed until I had munched the banana completely. I stopped the timer once I had swallowed the last mouthful.

Total time taken to eat the noon nana= 3 mins 13 secs.

This morning I initially woke up at 7am, this was completely of my own accord. My alarm was actually set for 8am, so I took the decision to go back to sleep. I then awoke again at 7.40am. Once again I deliberated whether to extract myself from my bed, the overall decision I took was to stay in bed until my alarm went off. Thankfully I nodded off and was indeed awoken by my alarm. I quite literally got out of my bed then and there. As I was sleeping in the 'buff' I put on some 'boxer shorts' and sauntered down the landing hallway into the upstairs bathroom. I had a piss first, then cleaned my teeth and then had a shave, in that order. I then, having removed ones boxers, stepped into the shower. The first job was to wash my hair. I did this using shampoo. Then I used some conditioner, I left this on whilst I scrubbed myself with boots sea kelp and mint shower gel. The final job was to rinse all the conditioner and shower gel off myself, I did this with startling efficiency. I got out of the shower and towel dried myself. I then smothered my face with e45 lotion and put some non hardening texturising styling paste in my hair. Next up I used some right guard cool anti-persperant right up my arm pits. I selected to wear a shirt and some jeans and went downstairs. I had a sip of water and put a banana in a bag and in one fowl swoop left the house and got in my car. I started the engine and reversed down the drive... yes! I was finally on my way to work.

I am not going to have cheese and hammy sandwiches for luncheon after all, instead I've preheated the oven to 180 degrees and am baking a goodfellas pizza. Should be ready in about half an hour, you have to incinerate them to make them good.

Got a bit of a situation down here as well in that I am currently consuming my last beer. I'm going to have to pop down to the shop and get some more, pizza first though. You simply have to have a system.

For your info full fat milk is the best, and fat is the most tasty milk. Anyone who has experimented making strawberry Nesquick will testify to this.
I am also a lover of cream, double and single. I would like you all to know that contrary to popular believe the human body is infact fully evolved to digest dairy products.

picture the scene, if you will, you're in a supermarket perusing the crisps after a bout of sleep deprevation and are thus not fully 'Compos-mentis'. You pick up some chip sticks, good fine crisps that they are you throw 'em in. Now for the science. When you get home there are also the horrid blue bagged variety of walkers in your cupboard- you had purchased them on tesco.com after a consuming a rather large brandy. You empty your chipsticks into the cupboard with the blue bagged walkers as that is the designated cupboard for crisps, 'you've got to have a system'. Anyway you get yourself
a nice bag of chipsticks salt n vin and go to watch time trumpet on bbc2 as it is 10pm on a thursday. After time trumpet is finished you're still peckish so you go and pick a bag of walkers. Expecting the sultry tastes of a salt n vin crunch you are presented with cheese n onion within one's cake hole and the shock of it sends you into anaphylactic Shock. This would be walkers fault, and in this event I would expect them to be sued upwards of one hundred million quid.

... you can ever do is press 'num lock' by accident when using the numeric keypad.

On Friday I got in from work and proceeded to look up information on the internet about coffee beans. I found rather an entertaining forum in which someone claimed to have eaten 50 beans in one day. Here's the exact post:

"Seeing as I work at a coffee shop as a barista, I get a free pound of coffee beans a week. And since I get all the free coffee I ever want from work (brewed from their high-quality brewers, not my mr. coffee), I rarely ever use up my beans. Until one day I discovered how good coffee beans really taste. Well, I started out having 2 or 3 a day, then each day having more and more, untill i was chewing and chewing away on coffee beans all day (50+). Well, 3 days ago I suffered a bad headache in the morning (I had to work this day). Seeing as I thought it was dehydration at first, I drank alot of water, and that doing no good, my boss told me that warmdrinks open
up the blood vessels, and may help with a headache (Advil had done nothing). I also am mildly addicted to caffein. So I go and have more coffee, thinking it may be a headache from lack of caffein (and I ate some more beans as well). Well, things go down hill from here. I am dizzy, everything is dissasociated, I have a bad headache and nausea. It was a quiet day and when my boss left, I went to the back room and layed down on the floor to try and get some rest. I couldnt sleep for a damn (the 100 degree heat and lying on a tile floor didnt help), and i just rested for 40 minutes, till 5 minutes before I could leave. When I got up (because a customer had walkedin) I still felt dizzy and more nauseated then ever. While talking to the customer, I almost threw up 3 times. My jaw muscles clenched together and I was salivating heavily, feeling weak all over and extremely dizzy, with some mild stomache convulsions. I managed to not throw up and after leaving work and getting home to my AC i felt better. I am a musician, and I had a concert in 2 hours so i thought I would get some sleep. I layed down but couldnt sleep (and I had about 4 hours the previous night). So before the concert I drank a coke to wake me up. I managed to play the concert, but I was feeling so dizzy that I could not walk straight. I went home afterwards and spent a long time trying to sleep, and finally fell asleep.

After some internet research the next day, I figured out that I had
overdosed on caffein. So my best advice is never get hooked on eating coffee beans, even with their oh-so-delicious taste. Because after a long time and alot of them, it will screw you up.

I also met a strange man (that ordered a bottled drink, during the absolute worst part of the day) who gave me his email adress on paper, telling me some really strange things, and when another co-worker walked in and I was talking to them I got a strange look from my co-worker. I never found the paper with the email adress, which I clearly remember putting in my pocket. He was telling me about an event to go to, and when I googled it the next day, it turned out to be in Arkansas (I live in Minnesota). I have never heard of people experiencing hallucinations from a caffein overdose, but it made me wonder about that. It could have just been coincidental."

I found this report highly amusing, I like a coffee bean but to eat over 50 in one day is an exceptionally deranged act. I estimate that if I ate 50 coffee beans in one day I would go into hyperactivity overdrive. Now for the science. My own personal experience of coffee beans is that when you start crunching down the little bits of coffee bean into your belly they stick into your stomach lining, gradually releasing their goodness over a course of hours. This is why you can eat a coffee bean and still feel wide awake three to four hours later.

Today I have a pocket full of coffee beans. Scooped up a handful on my way out of the house this morning, had a couple on the small walk I undertake daily from my car parking space to the pod entrance to work. In total I have munched down on four coffee beans today, I have found that it is a good idea to soften up the bean by sucking on it for a bit before crunching into it. I would like you to know that I have offered the coffee beans round but have thus far had no takers. This sort of nonchalance towards coffee bean eating will not go unchecked, people who do not eat coffee beans are rather simple. A terrifying and resounding fact, I think you’ll agree. I have already begun a campaign of coffee bean pelting and what I like to call ‘coffee bean hide and seek’.
As I pass by a non coffee bean eater’s desk I simply dip into my pocket, retrieve a coffee bean and casually lob it on their desk whilst walking on through as if nothing has happened. This kind of behaviour is, in my eyes, most acceptable.

Little idea for a sketch. Person joins the police force, all is normal, all is going well. Person passes training and it is only then that it is revealed that this person is a judge dread fanatic. He has secretly put up the façade of being normal so he can at last roam the streets as judge, jury and executioner. Cut to shots in the evening of person transfixed by the television watching the dvd of judge dread (starring Sylvester stallone).
First day of work proper person is sent out on the beat. He has a judge dread uniform stashed away under his car seat and when he is sent out onto the streets he performs a quick change into his judge dread robes and off into the crime ridden streets he marches.
Person receives a call on his radio that there has been a shoplifting incident near to where he is patrolling. He goes to the shop and catches the robber making a getaway.
‘I am the law’, he bellows, and produces a replica firearm.

And so it goes on.

Today I brought some roasted coffee beans for grinding. I have been grinding them up in my mouth, and to be honest they are not that nice. They get caught in the back of your throat and make you feel a bit sick. The cost of the packet was £1.35 and they weigh in at a staggering 227g. Quite something, I think you'll agree.
Yesterday, without meaning to, I took an invoice I had retyped for a customer home with me in my car. What happened was that I forgot to put it in the post hole as I was leaving work and only realised that I was still holding the rascal when I was practically at my car. There was no way I was going to tractor back and put it in the post hole (this would have cost me 3 to 4 mins of my own time) so I decided to let the letter ride home with me in the passenger seat. I didn't bring it into my house, incase I forgot it in the morning, so I left the letter in the car overnight. Little will York Council know of the extra curricular adventure their invoice has been on,
the poor fools! That should teach them for making me retype an invoice that was only 2 pence out in the first place. I also made the text on the invoice really small as a mini protest at their petty mindedness. I hope they strain their eyes reading it.

Yesterday I was troubled by what felt like a spot trying to emerge on my chin, later when I was cleaning my teeth rather an unsavoury incident occurred that jogged my memory as to what it was that was troubling my chin. What happened was that as I was cleaning my noshers I slipped and rammed the end of my toothbrush into my bottom gum. It ruddy hurt and it was only then I remembered that the same thing had happened the day before. I then realised that it must be a bruise on my gum and not an emerging spot on my chin. To have this happen two days running is terribly unlucky, if it happens again tonight I’ll throw a wobbly. This mornings cleaning went absolutely and unequivocally without incident. To conclude I would point out that trying to detect feeling in your chin is a difficult preoccupation.

Just a quickie to stipulate I have added three lackys to my burgeoning ball of bandy. These bands were gathered from the print room and fastened with extreme taughtness (indeed I feared that the last of the three added may snap). Thus far I am pleased with the slow and steady progression in size of my bestest ever ball.
I would point out that the target achieving tennis ball proportions will be reviewed as I grow more confident at adding and gathering elastic bands. I dare say that a beach ball sized ball of rubber would be a special accomplishment, but this is something that I believe is quite beyond my capacity. It would be woeful to build my hopes up, I believe that it could damage my self esteem. That would be rather debilitating, I think you'll agree.
At the moment me and my rubberised ball of bands are at one with nature.