Steven Paul Allen's Stories of Woe

Before you get ahead of yourself here I feel you should know all the facts surrounding Olive Oil infested spread. They are inferior products and simply must be dismissed out of hand. Olive oil infested spread was actually invented by mistake when a mad professor tainted his swafega. This happened when he dropped some olive oil by accident in his swafega bucket. It was then that he decided to cream this new concoction of his with cottage cheese to change the colour from flubber green to a light shade of yellowness. This new mulch was then tested in various applications. It was used to write with and also to power tractors, but in the end the mad man decided he would eat it. He thought it was alright and because bread in those days was often very poor quality he thought it may work to spread this "mulch" upon it. Thus Olive based spread was born and the mad man made it saleable by marketing it as a health product. One day the evil truth behind olive oil infested spread will out, much in the same way as it did with radioactivity. You do realise that they used to make toothpaste out of that stuff, don't you?

I was united with my calculator back in the winter of 2002. It was given to me with an assortment of other stationary items to get me started on my first day. I also got some pens and a notepad, which was nice. Presently the calculator is the only survivor from this initial stationary bundle, and thus holds a special place in my heart.

It hasn't been easy for the calculator. I've written on it, stuck stickers on it and have also damaged a hinge which allows the screen to sit at an incline. In order to repair the aforementioned hinge I've selotaped the body of a bulldog clip behind the screen which leaves the screen at a perma incline state. I like my workaround because it shows that I'm an innovative thinker; I also think it looks splendid.

Amongst the daubing I have littered on the calculator are the following: a random pattern that I have drawn under the screen in pencil, some button border which I have drawn in black marker pen and just scribbles and stuff. On the facade of the calculator is a Granny Smith's sticker, and I have drawn a border round it with marker pen also- this looks quite good in my opinion.

The back of the calculator is covered in stickers which were given to me by Big Jimmy G. You see, he sometimes brings in sandwiches and he uses the stickers to fasten the sandwich bags. The stickers all have writing upon them, thus I give you:

"dotty"
"FACT: It takes light 8 minutes to get to the earth!"
"What is Woddy's favourite snack? Prickled Onions" (this sticker has a picture Woody the headgehog on it with a thought bubble saying "yum!")
"What is as big as Iggy, but weights nothing? His shadow!" (this sticker has a picture of Iggy the dinosaur on it, he is smiling and waving)
"ZOOM!"
"squiggle"
"Woody loves autumn" (sticker has a picture of Woody the headgehog rolling in the leaves)

Now for the science. The calculator is primarily solar powered but has a battery back up, just incase. There are non-slip rubber pads on the underside to aid stabilization when hammering away at the buttons. One nice feature is the presence of a little stand which enables one to elevate the calculator in much the same way you would a keyboard. When coupled with the display tilt option this forms a powerful incline ability which makes the calculator second to none.

I normally use the calculator to spot check VAT & discounts when doing termination quotes, but I also don't mind doing the odd bit of multiplication with the sturdy mother. Size wise it is a considerable bit of kit for a calc,13.6 cm wide and 19.9cm long; if I one were to throw it at a person I'd wager one could inflict a hefty bruise. Its size hasn't been a problem at all, in fact I find its bulkiness an attractive quality. There was a time when I acquired a smaller calculator and I just couldn't get on with it, within days I was back to at home on my big bit of kit. The smaller calculator was defaced with Tip-Ex and disguarded like a bit of old meat. I just couldn't stand to have it in my possession a moment longer.

The calculator is a very good quality build and has been at home in a variety of different locations. A real plus when you've had as many desk moves as I have. I've kept it in my tray, middle and lower draws but never in the stationary draw- doesn’t fit due to its enormity. Well, relative enormity given its calculator counterparts. The build quality has come in very handy as it has survived a cornucopia of drops and punishments.

Overall I give my calculator 10/10. It has personality and is a God send when called upon. A true British hero.

Rather a harrowing trip to Tesco last week. Three things went awry, always in threes; I just don't understand it. It all started so well with a bit of Tom Thievery. You see, I wanted some blank DVD's, but was not enamored with the idea of paying for said goods. So, I got a pack of 5 and put them in the "environmentally friendly" bags that we sometimes take along with us. We went through the checkout and back to the car all well and good. It wasn't until I arrived home and started unpacking that the three evils reared up like Mearkats on the lookout for predators.

1. The blank DVD's were of the -R variety, I must have +R. I thus have 5 blank DVD's that are useless to me.
2. The curry I had procured wasn't at all the Masala flavour that I crave so wantonly. I had mistakenly purchased the Jalfrezy variety, which I find onion filled and peppery to an unholy extreme. Such a rancid format of curry.
3. Upon routine inspection of the receipt I discovered that the toe rags had charged me full whack for my pizzas, knowing full well (I'll wager) that they were clearly marked as half price in the aisles.

I have kept the receipt and will be having words with the customer services executives next time I visit Tescos. This travesty reversed. Those scally's owe me £3.28. If I hadn't unwrapped the DVD's I'd be having them exchanged 'n' all, of course making up some soppy excuse for not having a receipt. I lost it, or even better: dropped it in a puddle. They'd have never suspected a thing.

Breakfast this morning was nice, had two pieces of toast, two hash browns, two fried eggs and two sausages. The plate I ate off was placed on a tray, upon which were also two sachets of tomato ketchup. These ketchups were dispensed, onto a clearing I had made specifically for the ketchup, on the plate. I got the lift back to my desk as I'm not a fan of climbing two floors worth of stairs on a full stomach, it is unpleasant.

I decided to have a cup of tea after breakfast, good. Might go to John's army surplus on the next bank holiday to try and get a hat like this one:

That’s 16 days time. By that time a lot of the seeds I planted in the garden yesterday should be germinating; got £10 worth of seeds for free yesterday from Hombase. I put them inside a pot and the woman at the till didn't notice them there when she was scanning my items. I kept my moth shut and made it off with free seed.

When I realised what was happening I was jumping for joy inside. As I was paying I was hoping that I hadn't been rumbled on CCTV & was worried there would be some horrible old git waiting outside for me. I paid as quickly as I could and turned down the offer of assistance to help carry my wares to my car.

I said thank you to the young check out girl with a glint in my eye and as felt as if I was walking on air as I made my way across the car park. My facial expression was one of wonderment and I hurriedly packed my new belongings into the car and then made off laughing to myself.

Good game that Chelsea one in the week, wasn't it? Thought it was well funny when Ballack followed the ref & after the game when Didier went mad, the reaction was unprecedented. That ref was quite the berk. I think the result is immaterial in any case as Man U will beat Barcelona & they would have beaten Chelsea as well.

It was great when Sky Sports aired Didier’s little outburst, even better when the fools repeated it after the ad break. Oh sorry, sorry- shut up it's good and it's 10pm at night, I allow it.

The ref was terrible. I don't think they should have had a player sent off and Chelsea should have had 3 penalties. Still, Chelsea only have themselves to blame- they should have scored from open play at least one more time, and to keep giving the ball away playing against 10 men like they did was frankly unacceptable. They got what they deserved.

I have just had a cup of tea and a Twix, it was most enjoyable.

Yesterday I had a chat to my colleague about a termination request for an OGC customer and did some typing. I also had my fan on despite the overcast and moderate climate we were experiencing; I do enjoy a nice breeze.

We were also talking about how little work we'd done. Russell said he never does anything, James authored one Uniflow contract, Richard cleared the team inbox but didn’t feel as if he's done much and I was bogged down in accessory authoring. It really is that simple.

I had a few whiskeys on Thursday night which caused a slight problem with getting into work.

I woke up at 8.55am with my mobile phone alarm going off, but in a muffled tone as it was buried under the duvet. It took a few seconds for me to realize the predicament and then jumped out of bed, with the grace of a mountain goat, and proceeded to put on my work clothes. A moment later I realized it was dress down day and amended my attire accordingly; I was then out of the door in a flash. I dare say I may have even been slightly over the limit as I was informed after a meeting that "you could tell I'd been out last night". At lunchtime I had a shower and basically acted like I'd just got up, it was a fresh new start to the day and to celebrate I had scramby eggs on toast before returning back to work a new man.

By the end of the day, however, I was well and truly spent and I went to bed at 8pm and watched a couple of films. Well, I say a couple it was more like one and a half. Valkyrie was first up and I enjoyed it, which was a novel experience for me as I normally find films starring Tom Cruise film quite appalling. The next film I attempted was The Spirit, which I put up with for 45 minutes and then turned off. Absolute tripe and no mistake, if anyone watches this film and likes it then they are a stain on society. In the morning I gave it a further 20 minutes before switching off in disgust once again; I gave the bastard a fair crack of the whip, you can not deny me that.

On Saturday I thought I might have a stab at painting the fence, so I went down to Homebase and got myself one of those Ronseal paint sprayers and 5 litres of paint for it. Medium Oak was the colour I opted for, that was the one for me. I also stocked back up on weedkiller, this year the Japanese Knotweed will not be allowed to take hold near me. It tried coming up just over the fence in a rather dramatic fashion a few weeks ago but I waged a sustained treatment of weedkilling application which has stopped the evil invader for the time being. I know it is a determined beast, and will no doubt be sending up further shoots, which is why I procure extra weedkiller.

I found the paint sprayer to be quite good, although I wasn't overly enamored by the Medium Oak colouration on Sunday morning when I had a closer inspection of my work. It was simply too light, and I determined that a darker oak would be far more appropriate. So off I toddled once again, this time I went to Wicks first and got me some trellis (which I will be erecting in the coming days weather permitting), a fence brush and some outdoor nails. Then I went to Homebase and got some "Dark Oak" coloured paint and some plants and seeds to put in my new boarder. Why a fence brush? Well, I found with the sprayer that the application was sometimes not that even a coverage and got a bit "drippy", so I thought it would be wise to get a brush just to ensure even coverage and also to save paint by stopping the dripping effect.

The new colour works a bloody treat and the plants I put in are looking like they will really suit as long as they settle in nicely. All in all I was in the garden from 12.30pm till around 8.45pm, quite a day’s work, I am sure you'll agree. I only stopped to have a roast beef diner which Tash laid on with a glass of plonk. I should also point out that the bath I had at 9pm was just sublime and I really enjoyed it after being out working all day, a real tonic.

Seeing as the weather has been so nice of late I have started doing something quite unprecedented. Now, what I have been doing is making ice coffee. In the week I went to the supermarket and got myself some soft scoop ice cream, squirty cream and straws. Then on Saturday I got myself some hi ball glasses from Homebase and after a good weedkilling session proceeded to have a rather lavish ice coffee.

1. I put in the granules with a touch of milk so as not to frighten the glass with immediately boiling water
2. The boiling water is poured in, but only about a quarter of the way up the glass
3. I vigorously stir the mixture dissolving the granules a veritable nicety
4. I then fill about half way with semi skimmed or full fat milk (as long as it is not skimmed I don't care)
5. The rest of the glass is then filled with soft scoop vanilla ice cream
6. At this point I add Kahlua, if I am feeling that way inclined
7. Squirty cream to top off and straw added.

I found that this weekend having one of these in the morning on Saturday & Sunday was really rather splendid.

Oh, hello there. Sorry it has been some time since I last put something down into actual words to publish on this blog, but I have been quite busy of late. To put it in the words of a disheartened reader who recently emailed me to complain "I am slacking & it's not acceptable". So, where to begin? It's a tricky one as I have been up to many capers of late, including:

Getting put into a man called Floyd's cellular device as "Steve The Alien Allen"
Trapping some folk from Reading in a room until 7.15am
Meeting a rather strange man called Dimitri & wrestling him
Sitting in a fish & chip shop with a notice board advertising local housing & texting the numbers to inform them of spelling mistakes
Winning the football predictions at work
Putting up a darts board in the living room
Drinking about 4 bottles of Whyte & McKay whisky
Impromptu trips to the tip to deposit rubble bags of earth & an old boiler
Going out drinking at 9.30am (with Dimitri)
Buying up DVD's, including: Best Seller, High Heels & Low Lifes & Bowfinger
Buying a DVD called THX 1138 which is really very odd & has sent me to sleep twice (still haven't watched it the whole way through)
Getting almost obsessive about a film called "Walk Hard: The Dewey Cox Story", which I have already seen 4 times
Having an argument with Tash about what pub to go to which eventually ended up with me going to the pub on my own, making some new friends at the bar & then getting a taxi to Sutton
Winning £85 on the last race at Cheltenham last Friday
Sending Rob Isaac a strange picture message of me cuddling a teddy bear. When I got into work on Monday he was very bemused by this which made me laugh all day. He just showed me his phone with the picture displayed & said "why"
Eating a plate of mince & pasta covered in cheese, I liked it
Buying some darts stuff from dartscorner.co.uk & enjoying very much so, yes, the catalogue they sent me with my order
Going out in Reading with Ben & teaching a man to salute- it's the longest way up, shortest way down
Watching Full Metal Jacket twice. When they do the press up's, due to Private Pile's jelly doughnut mishap, I like to join in
Watching Question Time & joining in with the crowd when they applaud & laugh. It makes you feel as if you're there
Amusing myself by doing the following: lifting weights whilst watching The Wire, going for a run & listening to Tommy Boyd’s podcasts, having a bath & then drinking half a bottle of whisky & posing as Gary Wilmot on Twitter. It's just something I like to do
Feeling the fascination
Having quite a few fry ups & on more than one occasion having two sausages & a fried egg in a sandwich
Tidying up the garden

I think that is enough for now, dear. I can't think of anything else now anyway. Except for that last week I really wanted to have some crange at work, so I had to drive with an open carton of cranberry juice & an open OJ in the car. The Cran was okay as it has a proper opening system which can be closed, but the OJ was a different kettle of fish altogether. I had to put it between my legs & be most careful when changing gear to prevent any spillages. It was an experience I do not wish to repeat.

I participate every now and again doing on-line surveys on a site called valued opinions. It's quite a nice thing to do actually, since you get rewarded for doing the surveys you participate in. Once you've built up a cache of £10 you can exchange for several different varieties of voucher, of which I chose an Amazon one. With this voucher I purchased what they call a "clip wallet" and the film "Falling Down" on DVD.

This is a picture of the clip wallet, I love it. At the moment I have a nectar card, two visa debit cards and some neatly folded up notes of sterling currency. I am finding the little wallet is bringing great joy into my life because it is a little stunner.

Last weekend I went to Lingfield. I won on one horse "Capricorn Run", £10 to win gave me a return of £65. The only reason I bet on it was because I am a Capricorn and I like the film "Capricorn One". This was my seldom win, but I didn't mind because by the end of the day I was thoroughly drunk. This was aided in part by the ten cans of Stella I took on the train with me, of which Ben & I had 5 each. On the train going there we couldn't manage the whole 10 cans so I sneakily hid the four remaining cans in a tree just outside the entrance to the racecourse. These were then retrieved for the journey home; a cunning and effective plan. On the way back we popped in on my brother and had some more beverages before heading off into Croydon town centre, where we did attempt to frequent a few places but were turned away due to the fact they were closed. At the train station we met a very odd person wearing bright green deck shoes, who was delighted when I asked him why he wasn't wearing socks. He was a strange one.

Now, before going to Lingfield I had a quick visit to Reigate to get some money out and go to Morrisons to get some beer. Money was withdrawn with no problem, but Morrisons was a whole different ball game. On my way round Morry I thought that I'd do a bit of grazing and got myself a Belgium chocolate milk drink and downed the blighter, depositing the empty container behind a display of pillows before going to check out the beer. As I was looking at the beer an employee of Morry approached me and said "do you mind paying for this at the till" whilst simultaneously displaying the Belgium choco drink container to me in cupped hands. I looked up and he quickly said "oh sorry, wrong person" and walked off. This scarred the shit out of me and I picked up the nearest box of beer and scurried off to the checkout. I was actually shaking a bit and was very worried the man was going to realize his mistake and come to get me. Luckily I made it out but I was thoroughly shaken; I have no idea why I didn't get rumbled but I've emerged unscathed so I'm counting my blessings.

Yesterday was a quite dreadful day, and the reason for this is two fold. Firstly I have to raise 146 separate credits for an account where we have duplicated 225 invoices. To make this task even more arduous I have to print off all invoices concerned, a job that will test my patience for sure. Secondly we were told yesterday that we were no longer allowed to have our headphones on during work, so I no longer have the ability to listen to films, podcasts or music whilst working. This has upset me greatly, words can not describe the hate I feel for the people who have imposed this ban right now. Apparently due to "standards" having to be met across the board within the department we're not allowed headphones anymore. In other words some bleating little cuss has probably been complaining that we can have headphones and they can't; I'd like to get my hands on those responsible. They are vicious bastards who have now ruined my days at work from now on.

One positive I have drawn from this is that I will need to find some other time in which to listen to my podcasts. So, yesterday I went out for a little run around Earlswood whilst I listened to some of Tommy Boyd's Global News Show from Tuesday night. Here is the route I took, I ran anticlockwise starting at the green circle:

Also I'm finding that now I have no entertainment coming to me through headphones I'm having to find alternate ways to entertain myself. I was trying to write a presentation about solutions earlier and just got bored and irritated thinking about the headphones thing and ended up writing this slide:

So anyway, last night I went to Cafe Rouge with Tash as they are doing a buy one get one free deal on main courses. I asked the waitress if I could have the steak but that I didn't want the watercress with it. When mine arrived it had the steak, oh sure, but next to it was a huge pile of salad with more pieces of segmented tomato than I care to mention. I thought, “okay this is annoying” and asked where the chips were. About 5 minutes later the chips arrived in a separate basket. Then when the bill came they'd charged for the steak and a side serving of chips- even though the steak is supposed to come with chips. Bloody cheek, so we asked her what she was trying to pull and she tried to claim I'd asked for more salad and no chips! Stupid woman had to go and redo the bill; she did not get a tip. Disgraceful attitude!

Finally I give you the following about how to survive should you get stranded on an Iceberg. Some really good tips here, I for one always take my spear with me wherever I go:

This week I have listened to Happy Gilmore & Demolition Man through my headphones whilst at work. Because I know the films well I don't really need to be able to see them, listening is sufficient.

I plan on listening to these films, in this way, plenty more. The scripts are going to be ingrained into my memory. Then I'll be able to annoy people by reciting from the scripts and generally inserting quotes from these films in my every day speak. I already do this to a degree, but now I'll be able to truly fulfill my potential.

Last night I ended up watching The Reader, it's a good film but I found it very freaky. If you enjoy seeing a film that will make you think the characters are actually properly fucked up then this is the film for you.

Something that has annoyed me recently is the weather. Now that the boiler is working it seems to have become somewhat mild; bloody sod's law isn't it? Last night we had the bedroom window open all night for God's sake. Part of me wants that cold snap to return so I can fully enjoy the new boiler, that would be very nice actually.

This morning I had a fry up accompanied by a nice fresh glass of crange... just lovely. I left for work a bit later than usual, get an extra five minutes to hang about as it's half term. With my extra five minutes of hang time I watched Sky Sports News and supped on my crange. A worthwhile past time if ever there was one.

Right, time for me to listen to Demo Man for the second time this week. Whilst doing this I'm going to book renewal contracts on the system, it's just something I have to do actually.

I missed Lost on Sunday night and so was forced to download the latest episode in order to keep up with the joneses. All well and good, until you consider that the version I downloaded came complete with Spanish subtitles; of all the rotten inconveniences. This unfortunate oversight was made all the more exasperating by the fact that this particular episode of Lost was littered with English subtitles (on account of all the Korean and French characters that have suddenly turned up). Of course the Spanish subtitles were layered over the English ones making it near impossible for me to follow what was being said. Fucking typical.

Nevertheless I persevered and I have now deleted the nasty little idiot of a file, never to be seen again. I will endeavor to not miss another episode as I dislike the inconvenience this causes greatly.

Also yesterday I burnt a DVD, I'm going to watch some of the films on it tonight. On this disk are the following: The Reader, Taken, The Man From Earth and Revolutionary Road. The plan is to get home do my weights and then jump into bed and just watch a couple of films, should be good. Revolutionary Road and The Reader are really for Tash to watch so I'll probably watch one of the others, in fact I know I ruddy well will.

The boiler is fixed! It is so nice to have the hot water and heating available once again. There is still work to be done but at the moment things are working silky smooth. The old boiler is still out the front on the lawn, it's been there for ages and I like having it there as a warning to the new boiler not to mess with me. It's being allowed to rot like because it behaved like a useless idiot.

Been a busy couple of weeks really, in the main driven by the fact that my card was cloned. It all started when I got my bank statement through the post and upon inspection I found I had some suspect transactions. These being £300 worth of Canadian Dollars withdrawn within Canada, nothing to do with me guv. I was straight on the phone to the fraud department to resolve the discrepancy. Yesterday I had a letter from the bank saying they'd put the money back into my account; I've also had a new card as well. A fresh start, if you will.

I used my new card for the first time yesterday and it was silky smooth.

In other news, I went to Tesco at the beginning of last week to stock up on some foodstuffs. Whilst going round I consumed a strawberry and banana smoothie, a vanilla bean flavored milkshake and a strawberry Crusha milkshake. All packaging was deposited back onto the shelves at Tesco, I believe this is what's known as grazing. When I got home I had the most terrible trouble with wind, it was due to my grazing and the fact that before I went to the supermarket I had a bowl of filtered chicken soup. You see, I don't like the chicken bits they put in the soup, so I sift them out using a strainer. It's the same strainer I use to drain my rice.

Also, I've been watching a program called Evolution that's being aired on the History Channel at the moment. On the episode about the evolution of flight there were a pair of rather peculiar scientists who had developed a theory called "wing assisted incline running". I have nothing particular to add, other than that I like the name of this theory.

Finally, I was doing some of what we call "rollovers" at work t'other day. These are lease contracts which have been incorrectly set up and so have to be terminated and set up again, or rolled over. We have over 40 of these to do at the moment, and I took a job lot of 10 of these for myself. What I had essentially done was adopt a batch mentality. That is all.